Thursday, June 29, 2006

It all falls down

It all falls down..

I decided today that I am tired of drowning. Tired of feeling like I have no choice in the direction that I am moving, that my failure is required. That I have to prove that the glass is half full, that I have to have all the answers before I can step out on faith. That I have to have all the answers to all the questions. That I have to carry it all, because the truth is I don’t.

It has been mentioned that I am a woman of faith, or at the very least I try to be and want to be. I have decided that I simply cannot, and God can. I hope that was His intention. Cause that’s where I am, right now.
I am going to do what I can, be what I am, and remember who I am. And if God could just you know handle a few things for me… get the extra people out of my house, teach me how to be a better wife, hand over my fear, then we will have a good day. As it stands I am blessed. And everything that is given to me is appreciated.

Work is work. It’s a little dry, I am not being productive. I need to work on that. But I got the weekend to get it all together. I’m off tomorrow so I’m gonna spend the day with my kid, maybe work on getting my herb garden started. We are gonna try to have a good Friday trip somewhere, the original plan was Grants Farm. We’ll see if we make it there, or perhaps the City museum.

Wanna go? Email me…

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

A nice little view...

Albert Pujols
Originally uploaded by frnch.
I just thought this could make somebody's day. His thighs are a bit small since his injury but hey....

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

moving on..

God determines who walks into your's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay,and who you refuse to let go."- Anonymous

This is a very note worthy quote for me. I saw it on a friends blog today. And it has made me reflect on my situation. My life is about to enter into its next faze. My tennant to whom we have been less than stellar landlords has purchased a house. Which means all those decisions about whether to rennovate or rent, are now coming to a head. And I now don’t have the spare energy to waste on people whom I need to allow to walk away.  The situation has eaten at me more than I can verbalise, so I have come to the conclusion that if there is to be any hope at all of retaining any idea of a friendship, It is time for some space.  
I have got whole real life things, my life things I have got to deal with, and further stressing over a friendship that missed its mark, I can’t justify that now. I don’t think I am going to post anymore on the subject until I talk to Spoken, I know she can’t read this at work due to her company firewall, but you never know. And that would suck cause I really need to sit down with her and expain exactly how I feel, and why this is such a major violation to me.  

Part of my problem is that I hold people to high standards. Which is a different subject isn’t it?

But I can’t help it. I want people to hold me to high standards. I want to surround myself with people who make me work harder to be better. A better writer, a better chef, a better mom, a better human, a better wife, sister, friend, neice, granddaghter, daughter, artist. . I want to be better. And some of  the people in my world  live – not digital, you guys totally rock - right now aren’t exactly helping me be better.  Its why I stopped hanging out in the poetry scene here in St.Louis.

That sucks.  

Totally besides that point Taylor Mali got married, and as he is one whom I most respect my congratulations are here for him.  

Also my most sincerest thanks to Sarah, and Jaelithe. They are two wonderful great people, and I am so greatful to know you both.

If I don’t post it enough, Jerry, I love you. You make me see the best and worst parts of me and help me change or make the best of them, and love me though it. You are God’s best and most fruitful blessing in my life. I am so grateful, eternally happy that we found each other and have celebrated our one year anniversary. I am looking forward to millions more.

Previous thing not mentioned – Sunday was our anniversary and we went to eat at a great little tapas restraunt in St.Louis called MiraSol. It was wonderful to sit with my husband and enjoy each others company as a man and woman. Funny how having a kid and turning your house in to a youth hostel will make you forget that you and your spouse did have a whole life, before you were the worlds rock of Gibralter. You were cool, and did cool stuff, and went to cool places. Its nice to know you are still a little cool benieth all the toddler stuff.

Still cool indeed, I love you baby.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Friends... how many of us have them....

Okay. Friday. Was. A. Bad. BAD. Day. Apparently Cammy’s upset stomach was a little more than an upset stomach last week, Jerry’s too mind you. Those two don’t really give you a good gauge on my tummy hurts. Apparently they have been passing around the stomach flu like business cards and it hit me on Thursday night, and all day Friday. The weekend of my wedding anniversary. Seriously. So I was regurgitating all of all day Friday. Left work after forty five minutes of being face planted in our disgusting bathrooms. I decided that I would simply have to take the attendance hit for this one. And my loving wonder husband came like a knight on shining champagne colored Trailblazer to swoop me home. Then my weekend takes a turn for the pretty bad.
Remember all that stuff I told you guys about how I was all for helping the people in my house and doing what ever I could etc, and I couldn’t think of the situation that would test my friendship?
Remember that?
Well. I found it. Lets talk hypotheticals shall we?
You got a friend who you let stay with you cause you were really, really concerned about her health, she needed surgery. You were like you have to have the surgery and the ONLY way you could talk her into having the surgery was to be like I’ll let you recoup on my futon until you get better. Your doctor tells her, six weeks, then she can go back to work. She plans on making enough money to pay her deposit on her apartment, and a down payment on her car and move on once she has gotten cleared to go back to work. She helps with the groceries during the six week stretch that she’s out, she worked hella overtime before the surgery you assume shes got a plan, you don’t ask what the plan is. She is a grown ass woman she ought to have a plan. You two talked at length over the last six months about resolving certain issues that would be a hindrance if not resolved, you simply assume she resolved them. So shes been cleared around week four to move around and go out and about, so you start helping her get the car hunt going. You are making the calls, and you find out that those things that you thought she fixed that she said she fixed, she simply didn’t.
No problem at least not your problem, she simply will have to spend more on interest etc than she originally thought. But with those issues the money she saved for her down isn’t enough. People are still working but now she starts work on Monday and doesn’t have a car.

This was never part of the plan.

But you are friends so you get your husband to take turns – mostly his turn – to go pick her up a good thirty to forty five minute drive daily at eleven o’clock at night. You drop her off in the morning on your way – Still out of the way mind you – where ever she so decides she wants to go. You gas expenses double. You are putting TWICE the miles on your car than you expect. Your husband is always tired, yet the gentlemen and won’t let you go unless he is unbearably tired. He doesn’t walk the dog in the morning, cause he’s too tired. He can’t relax cause he knows he’s gotta get up and go. Then she volunteers for this movie project. Which is cool, but you warn her – she can’t afford to financially contribute, she says I know, I won’t. You leave it at that. She’s still working you are still driving her, but you have to call her everyday and tell her to call people, she doesn’t seem to be moving on her own. That is annoying. Close to four weeks has gone by.
This took me until this morning to be able to talk about this with out getting really, really heated. So, somebody finally finds this girl a car. So she calls me to tell me she’s short on the money she needs to put down on the car. The guy is asking for a grand down.
Q. how could you be short when before you started back to work at the end of May you had $700, and you’ve been working for damn close to a month, been paid at least twice and possibly due again this week. And you’ve been working overtime at every given opportunity.
A. Well, she tells you. Some people needed some help.

Excuse me? Some people needed some help? From you, the homeless person with out a car? You don’t have any more money than you did when you started cause some “people needed some help?”

Tell me how you would respond?

I swear it took all of my self control not to put her out right then. My house is flipped over backwards, but somebody needed more help than you need to get your shit together. My husband is tired, our relationship is not regular. But you get to decide we can take more? I really need you to be able to go live with those people who needed your help so bad. You can’t get a ride, nobody else is helping you but you gotta help everybody who asks you? I need some of those people who needed your help you pick you up from work. If she had been really thinking about being my friend she would have been trying to get up and on her feet. I am not willing to help everyone she deems worthy. Remember that movie project she said she knew she couldn't afford to help with , apparently she forgot before she hung up, or just flat lied to my face, cause she and i quote,"spent more than she was supposed to on that.." more than you were supposed to? you wen't suuposed to spend anything on that until you didn't live with me. Grandmother needs help, go back to vegas and live with her and help her for real. Cause this is not what I signed up for. I have my hands full helping her, so for her to decided that I can continue to help her for longer than absolutely necessary really, really gets my goat.
I feel used and taken advantage of. As if I was simply convenient, the next logical step on who she could get the most out of. And like everything she said to me really meant shit. Now the time frame has shrunken, I am no longer willing to put my husband or family in any state of discomfort to accommodate you. I will keep my word but now, I need you to get an apartment yesterday. She is so far down my shit list she’s probably decomposing by now.
And I don’t know why I’m surprised. It happens every time. Last time it was the rental car thing, 2300.00. Every time I call someone a friend, they push and push and push until I break.

I must have sucker stamped on my forehead.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

continued ramblings from yesterday

Moving back to the actual weekend,
Cammy’s birthday went well, spent too much on food, but that was it, made a few adjustments to compensate (sorry balloons- you gotta go) and we got through it okay. She got a few things I really wanted her to have, and we are gonna go get the rest. Ever notice how you could have not had the party and just bought the things you wanted you kid to have and come out just the same? Next year.
Tito, my dear wonderful friends, came by I was soo excited that they were there, then the left all early LOSERS!!!!!! I thought we were gonna have a drink and hang out, then – no, they were like no dice, and we can’t hang with you till like two weeks from next wed, cause we got cooler more fun people coming to hang with us. Okay that’s not what they said. But in stubborn I miss my friends translation that’s exactly how it came out! But I miss them and I never see them anymore. So I’ll say it again cause its my blog LOSER Tito!!! LOSER Tito!! I call them Tito like it’s a 70’s R&B band, like I expect them to be seen in Gold polyester suits with butterfly collars and platforms. That would be totally cool though.
Fathers day for Jerry was less than stellar. He was in a funk, and I know why- there was simply nothing I could do about it. Nothing worse than feeling powerless to help the people you love. I mentioned his grill right? I’m excited about what he’s gonna do with that thing…

Miles and miles of miles.
My car – which I bought in March with 52xxx miles now had roughly 62xxx miles on it, we clearly need a second car, and Spoken has got to get into her own car, like yesterday, we put an extra sixty mile a day on the car picking her up and taking her to work. That’s like A LOT. Like three hundred EXTRA miles a week, that’s over a tank of gas a week at three dollars a gallon, that’s just too much. I’m going to run into the same issues we had with the old car, it was a 2002 and we traded it in with 98,000 miles on it. And while driving Spoken is an issue, its not our only car centered issue, we are seriously talking every other day about needing a second car. We do, but its like number twelve on a list of 87 things we need to take care of. So we’ll see how that goes. But honestly with the money we would save on gas we could honestly get a car and insurance and minimize our monthly cost increase to like under two hundred bucks a month. Our commute is a bytch and it would be nice to be able to do something’s with out having to wait and see if the hubby is doing something, or having to pick him up or he pick me up. If my life wasn’t so good, I’d be really ticked about this whole car thing.

Progress.. is progress, even if its on thin ice..
My friend J, who I haven’t mentioned a lot lately, is treading thin – albeit dangerous ice in his life, and I am seriously concerned. He moved out from his girlfriends house, (yeah!!!) to move back in with his ex (booooo!!), he is a recovering alcoholic who has had a relapse recently and while trying to come out of that has taken to gambling at the local casino. He told me years ago there were reasons why he didn’t go gamble, apparently he has forgotten them, cause he’s been going, and while he’s not losing a lot of money right now, I know its just one turn card, or one fourth street (poker terms people) before he’s calling me saying how he lost his whole paycheck. Its happened before. And of all the people having issues in my life right now I am most worried about him.
My brother and his boyfriend have gotten a apartment, so they will be off my couch like SOON. They are doing stooped stuff already, and my biggest fear is they will be back in three months. They still don’t have a car, but my brothers job is close enough that I don’t have to worry about that with him, and his boyfriend is not my concern as far as car needs are concerned.  So if I could get him to minimize the drama he could be off in the right direction.  Now Spoken hasn’t made any concrete strides to get her car situation resolved, or the apartment situation resolved. She refuses to do a few things I think will make it easier to get a car.
  1. she refuses to get a Missouri drivers license. Why is this an issue? Well she is holding on to this whole “I’m from Vegas,” thing when really she’s not. You were born here and have been back here countless times since moving to Vegas as a preteen, no you lived in Vegas for a while but you are from Missouri, get over it. And not having a Missouri license makes loan people nervous. They don’t believe you will be here. And I can understand that. So if you really want a car – what do you do? Exactly.  Her reasoning? “I just like having a Vegas license.” Oookaaaay.  

  2. Wake up. Spoken lives like a vampire. Up all night and sleeps all day, however banks don’t. So when I call her at noon (which is a pet peeve on mine – but that’s another post) and she’s like made no calls, done nothing, she was sleep on her desk at work. I want to reach through the phone and strangle her. I want her to be calling and making moves when these businesses open until you start at your gig. But she’s a night owl, Never sleeps at night so its hard to stay up during the day, I know that. I understand even, but its not helping get her into her own space, and rocking her own ride.  
I just got a call from my brother saying the apartment fell through. That is so not what I wanted for my anniversary.  If they don’t just go find a little studio I’m gonna kill them. But not in the house, casue I don’t wanna have to clean it up.
The funny thing about all of this is that I’m not upset, I’m not worried about Spoken and I not being friends when this ‘living together’ section of our friendship is over. She really is one of my best friends, and despite being annoyingly accommodating, and being able to put up with me and not running off, I love her. She could quit with the reading of the mind thing. Or at least saying it out loud that she did it. Maybe not. Anywho, Shes my friend and that’s that. J, the friend not the husband, I have to literally just walk away, because I am truly afraid for him. I can’t stop him from making these mistakes I just don’t think I can handle walking with him while he does it.  My brother is my brother and what else can I say about his situation. He’ll get it together cause he doesn’t want to be a burden.  But an extra three grown ups for two months and almost one respectively – gets heavy. I just have to worry about my situation a bit more forwardly. Jerry and I are both a bit more testy lately. Our finances are stretched to the limit, cause extra gas and food and etc is extra gas, food and etc. but most of all I just want my regular life back. My coworker Kelley says this was my life before they moved in - helping every body. I say I don’t mind helping everybody but I need a break. And as nice as getting away sounds, I really just want to stay home.
But all of this reminds me how blessed I really am. I have very little room to complain. God is awesome, and my life is awesome, only thing that could make it better is expanding our family – later -  and possibly winning the powerball lottery. Both would be nice.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

the begining of Fathers day

Most of you know I love to cook. I did a luncheon for my mom over the weekend, that went pretty well. I got a meat tenderizing mallet – AWESOME piece of metal. Then got Jerry’s father’s day gift, a charcoal grill, he was surprised. I was pleased he was surprised. He’s been jonesing for one for a little while. It was a group gift from all the people who live in his house. It was the least we could all do. He’s been such a trooper while all of these homeless people have invaded. Now we gotta get him a new gas grill and he’ll be good to go.
I’m a daddy’s girl. I may have mentioned that at some point. My parents are separated, and that was a difficult thing for me to come to terms with, understand and be okay with. My parents starting having issues the year I went away to college, or at least that’s when things got apparent to us kids that is wasn’t just parents being parents and arguing. It may have been apparent before then, but it became they aren’t gonna work it out that year.  They have been living separately for several years, and are moving forward and filing for divorce. I mention this because my dad is now and has been dating this new woman for almost as long as I’ve been with J. And he apparently much to my surprise is contemplating re-marrying. How ever vaguely, he is entertaining the idea. And I don’t know how I quite feel about that. The girlfriend is okay. Kinda of artificially happy – ALL THE TIME – but she is okay. She seems less than sincere sometimes, and I never really thought she was the one for him. She seemed safe. Accommodating. Not at all challenging. The air doesn’t crackle around them, like it did around my parents. Not that she should be my mom, but shouldn’t the new love be as strong if not stronger than the old one? But who am I to say its not. Its is certainly different. Jerry makes my skin feel like I have sparklers in my finger tips, and I want that for both of my parents especially if they can’t have it together. I sincerely pray that the new loves they find totally eclipse what they used to have. But I’m a daddy’s girl so I am prepared to default to his opinion on that one. He first mentioned it, remarriage, in passing, months ago and I thought he was totally kidding. Apparently not quite. And now I can understand all the articles I’ve read about how kids of divorce respond to the parents remarrying. Because I have caught my self thinking, wondering why they (my parents) couldn’t make it work. Watching my husband sleep and wondering what he would have to do for me to simply say this is too much. When would my family stop being enough, and I need to start a new one? Watch my sister and brother walk in their respective relationships and wonder how it would be different for us all if my parents had said “our vows are worth saving. It has not been easy, and it won’t be everyday from here on, but we are in this forever.” I do wonder.
My dad is moving eventually. He has said he will have my mom sell his home sometime next year. I gotta get a head start on dibs on his furniture. I’ve already put in a request for the sectional and the big screen (fat chance on the big screen I know.)  He’s moving in with his mom, eventually. And he can’t possibly take two couches, a dining room table, kitchen table, ect to his moms house. Which I think is a good idea, and if I could buy his house and transplant it to the city, I would.  But I don’t know how I really feel about leaving the city. Over at Mamalogues I just spent a few posts and comments, not even a full week ago, mind you, going on about how much I love the city, and I do. I really do. I never expected to enjoy city living as much as I do. But for my family, I don’t know that not going to the county would be the absolute best thing for us. My kid and my dog like yard space. They do. I could have the best of both worlds and purchase near my mom, but I don’t know that I can afford to live in the nine bedroom “mansions” that surround my moms home, and produce ATROCIOUS heating and cooling bills.  Those homes gas bills are as much as my current mortgage. Not kidding.
It was great to hang out with my dad for fathers day. I never get to see him much any more. He spends a lot of time with his girlfriend, and his mom and I spend all of my time with my husband and child, we kind of exist on phone calls and spot stops, to pick up mail at his house, or to stop by and spray, (he’s a part time exterminator) or teach Jerry how to fix (insert house hold item here). He sees my sister more often since she lives in the county less than ten minutes from his current home. My home is a forty five minute drive, once you are out there you try and see as MANY people as you can, so you don’t have to make that trip like a zillion times on $3 gallons of gas. So we shall see.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Quickies are good

Today, I feel good. I’ve been in a up mood, for a most of the week, with a light down swing but mostly sunny really. We got a plan, a simple plan for Cammy’s birthday. I think I ordered too much cake, but that is our only indulgence. Simple presents, grill some food, hang with family, go home and chill. Maybe make it to see the ducks. Make plans for the next weekend, cancel my vacation (supposed to be the week of my anniversary) and move it to July. Get things going around the house. Work the yard, buy some grass seed, and a mower, a manual mower. We got enough yard to work as a toupee we could probably cut it with a weed whacker. We need a weed whacker too. Gotta think up a Dad’s day gift for my dad. Gotta stay in budget…  although I bought a book today, one I’ve been trying to read for about two years and couldn’t even get on hold at the library – so I bought it today. Bad Quita. Any who, going to get back to work. I’ll post over the weekend…

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

101 things in 1001 days

I found this and thought it was cool so I’m doing it. You can do it too, I’m gonna post my list in the side bar for updating and stuff. If you do it let me see your list – I’d love to know what you really want to do!
The Mission:
Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:

Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days?
Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as new year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.
Some common goal setting tips:

1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focussed. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

  1. Start an herb garden

  2. Paint on canvas

  3. Buy a digital SLR camera

  4. Visit another country

  5. Redesign blaquepen website or build photography website

  6. Biek ride at least twice a week

  7. Take an actual yoga class

  8. Furnish our home

  9. Start saving money for retirement again

  10. Make a book i.e. hand bind my poetry

  11. write letters to friends

  12. get a passport

  13. Make attending soulard market a part of my regular routine

  14. Make a substantial dent in our family debt

  15. Enter a photography contest

  16. Write a short story (and complete it!)

  17. Weight around 180 lbs

  18. Eat at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.

  19. Try 10 new restaurants

  20. try a round of golf

  21. Buy that original piece of art that I loved in Memphis if still avalible

  22. Go camping

  23. play poker in Vegas

  24. Get plant for the house

  25. go camping

  26. Ride my bike to work for thirty days

  27. purchase 25 CD’s or LP’s

  28. buy a record player

  29. Throw a theme party

  30. Get the dog back into training

  31. go to the movies 10 times

  32. clean my credit,

  33. go to the dentist

  34. but a light kit for my photography

  35. purchase lawn care equipment and use it

  36. paint most of the house over

  37. scrapbook 1 page a day for thirty days

  38. have another baby

  39. turn off t.v twice a week and spend all that time with Cammy

  40. Get a bonsai tree

  41. have a game night


  43. work on a job I could enjoy

  44. go to Hawaii

  45. teach Cammy to ride a bike

  46. stop biting my nails

  47. Read three books I would have never picked up

  48. organize the bookshelves in the dining room

  49. Remove the wall paper from the bathroom walls

  50. get the kitchen cabinets fixed

  51. finish the back hallway painting

  52. make five new local real life mom friends

  53. make sure jerry has more time to write

  54. become less of a techno geek

  55. get a new computer

  56. get a new TV

  57. make a firm decision on house renovations

  58. go horse back riding

  59. be more patient

  60. do a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle

  61. use the chocolate fountain at least three times

  62. draft a legal will

  63. take inventory for insurance purposes

  64. Sort the mail as it arrives, rather than let it accumulate into a huge pile

  65. Go on a dress-up date with Jerry

  66. go paintball fight

  67. water balloon fight

  68. document Grandma Vorece’s memories

  69. have a pool party at my house

  70. do a newborn photo shoot

  71. hang out all night like I’m still in college

  72. make homemade ice cream

  73. buy a black cocktail dress and heels

  74. cook one recipe for each cook book in my house

  75. go to the batting cages

  76. make sushi at home

  77. see someone who I would normally only see at a poetry reading outside of a poetry reading

  78. meet 13 and the say it ain’t lucky in person

  79. meet Gretchen (Sarah’s sister) in person

  80. potty train Cammy

  81. binky break Cammy

  82. Get Cammy into New city school

  83. Go to the new Stadium for a game

  84. release my poetry CD

  85. learn the words to Rock the Kasbah

  86. take boxing/sparring lessons

  87. make my bed everyday

  88. pray for at least a half hour daily – longer if necessary

  89. go to church at least twice a month

  90. finish learning how to knit

  91. get wireless headphones and ergonomic keyboard for work

  92. build kitchen kit for culinary class

  93. spend more time with my mom

  94. spend more time with my dad

  95. sit with my husband and talk more often

  96. take dancing lessons with Jerry

  97. take a rail America trip

  98. have dinner at a Missouri winery

  99. be happier

  100. buy myself an outfit I wouldn’t normally wear

  101. ride a roller coaster with Jerry

Monday, June 12, 2006

1st Monday Of the Week

Hey gang! How was your weekend? Ours was easy, I didn’t get out and do near as much as I wanted to but my husband was way happy to just chill out and actually relax. So that was a plus. Next Sunday is Cammy’s birthday, I’m going to plan a small birthday party, nothing too fancy. Just our family and a few friends a cake and call it a day. No costumes this year, no clowns. I think the theme is gonna be for the adults bring your favorite children’s book. I’ve ordered the cake and am avoiding all of the character stuff that I see everywhere. She loves too many shows and characters, (Diego is the man lately, while I am fond of the Backyardagins.) to try and decorate the house in cartoon faces, merchandised cups and hats, as well as the obscene mark up on that crap, I simply cannot be a party to such debauchery.
Anywho Cammy and I sent to see how she felt about the bicycle trailer that I really want to get, and ran into – pardon the expressions – one of wildest Caucasian moments of the year for me. We went to REI to check out that trailer and they were apparently having some big top secret garage sale that apparently wasn’t top secret, cause there was a line to get into that bad boy at least a block long. I don’t have the patience for such shenanigans so I just stood at he door with the kid until they opened up and went in. And you know Ihad to follow the crowd cause this is some stuff I had never seen before. See, honestly, I’m not that kind of shopper, I stay home on black Friday, I try to get my Christmas shopping done by October. I’m not afraid to shop on line, cause I don’t like hunting for stuff in store after store. When I go to the mall, its just to look. I don’t do a whole lot of shopping. So to see hundreds – literally hundreds of white people standing out side of this store from as early as 5:30 a.m, for the chance to get ski boots at a hefty discount, I was simply out done. There were no black people waiting for in this line. I saw like one asian guy and that was it, and he was with like his college frat buddies, Brad and Dave, and they were talking about Spelunking. Who the hell Spelunks and what is it for crying out loud? It was as though every rock climbing, hiking, camping, enthusiast apparently has a membership and waits for this sale like - for real - and are excited to be sitting on the sidewalk for the chance to own a Camelback hydration pack for 29.95. I'm like What the hell is a Camelback hydration pack and will it spit on me if I take too long doing what ever it is you do while you have it on? People were drooling over this stuff. I thought I knew people of every persuasion, apparently I don’t know any extreme REI people. I don’t know whether to thank God for that one or not. Cammy was really amused by the tents set up in the store, and when we get to a house with a yard, I’ll get her one to play in the yard with.
That was all besides the point- why we actually went to the store that was the point. The trailer – that’s what I was talking about. She thought that was okay as long as it was moving, she wanted nothing to do with it when it was standing still for longer than a few minutes. She looked through all the pockets, and seems to be able to reach everything easily and was comfortable. So I’ll be picking on of those up shortly.
Cammy was out done at the presence of a Cammy sized bike. So Apparently that will be the birthday present of ohh and ahh proportions. I think I’m gonna pick up some other small things, like toy appliances so she can feel like she’s cooking with me more, a DVD or two and a few books. She actually helps a lot, in the kitchen, she just gets a little hands on some times and does a little too much, then looks at me like – what? I wasn’t supposed to crack six eggs into the bowl? We made more cookies and she helped me with French toast and vanilla custard Sunday morning.
I think tonight’s dinner will be Chicken Kiev. I’m trying to think more entertaining and less regular for dinner, cost effective and time conscious. That’s a difficult trio to accomplish together. But I must try. My husband is spoiled, and I’ve got to keep my game tight. Besides I get moody when we don’t eat well, so we are gonna see what I can come up with.

Hey just a reminder – if you have AT&T phone service, DSL, Dish network, are moving or have moved in the last thirty days, Starting a business anything at all in that arena, let me know. I’m working on a special project and I could use all the help I can get.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Fifteen minutes past bed time

There is this poet whom I really, really love, Her name is Bassey Ikpi. She’s great but kinda like Sade, you can’t read or listen to too much cause if you’re not careful you’ll commit suicide. Exactly. She made this mention in her journal and I love it so much I sent her a friend request via her myspace, despite the fact that I haven’t left a comment on her actual journal in months. Any way here is the quote:

if you need a song, then you don't have a poem. That would probably be your first problem. So I probably won't be going to very many open mics. – Bassey

man do you know how much I am feeling that?!?! Do you know I had to stop going to open mics? They were killing me, I had stopped respecting the mic – I had to stop going.
I miss writing poetry. I haven’t just written in a long while. My only communion with other poets has only come via blogs and websites ect. I miss sitting in a room with people who are better writers than me and soaking up everything they have to give. I am sad to say I believe I am one of the best writers in the St Louis spoken word scene, and that totally sucks because – dude I’m really only like okay. Do you know how much that sucks to not have inspiration from other writers? And then I’m not depressed, so that means I have less ammo to fire with, and I love my husband but he’s not cheating and I’m not hurting and its not that kind of drama filled relationship so –dang it- I don’t have that whole pool of  hurt and self loathing to pull from. Its like a Mary J bilge album, you know they are better when Mary is hurting. When KC left her ass that album was off the banger. Happy Mary? That joint is just gonna be okay.

Any who – anybody else sick of the myth that pregnancy is only nine months long , 40 weeks is TEN count’em 10 months , so how ev’ry body keep getting nine months out of that?

This week I got my new drivers license with my married name on it. Got our marriage certificate too, couldn’t get one with out the other. My husbands chest got all puffed out when I showed him the new plastic card that now identifies me as his wife. That’s a lot ot give up your name. As if in marrying you become a different person. I wonder if I am different than I would be if I had not married? Men’s names don’t change – are they expected to stay the same?

I don’t like cough drops.

I should have taken Cammy out to the park today, I didn’t. I lost mom points on that one. We’ll go outside tomorrow.

I need ink for the printer.

The guy at the bike shop laughed when I told him I was looking for a bike trailer for my kid so I could finish my suburban mom transformation. I remember when I was cool, then I gave birth and its like I forgot to check my cool out of the hospital. Now I’m mom. I’m the kid of mom who goes to kiddie gym, and need a bike trailer, and goes to interview school, and I could go on but its boring.

I’m rambling now and this is getting long, so I’m gonna post it.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

tagged again

Four Jobs I’ve Had
Party Pic Chick
Sales Associate
Service Rep
Facility specialist
Four Movies I can Watch Over and Over
Insert Julia Roberts movie
Insert J Lo movie
Weird science

Four Places I’ve Lived

Columbia MO
St Louis

Four TV Shows I love


Big Love
Grey’s Anatomy
Four highly regarded and recommended TV shows I haven't seen (much of)

Nobody recommends much tv to me…

Four places I've vacationed


Four of my favorite dishes

Chicken Marsala
Jerry’s Grilling
Seafood Alfredo

Four sites I visit daily

full tilt poker
My Blog to cruise the blogs in my blogroll
Jerry’s blog

Four places I'd rather be right now:

Home with Cammy paid in full
A culinary school with a full four year scholarship and living expenses for my family

Four new bloggers I'm tagging

Um, I don’t know any new bloggers except Spoken, so Spoken…

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Its peanut butter jelly time!!!

Not really.

I've ripping this directly from This Fish (heather’s) blog, It seemed like funand a new game for us all to play. And it will give you lurkers a chance to make your selves seen… at least a lil bit. So let's play shall we! Here’s how it works - you ask questions (even if they are awkward and uncomfortable) and I answer. Or, in the words of Heather “I tap-dance around and appear as though I am answering, but much like your parents in your impressionable, formative years, I practice avoidance.”

Or I may give you the answer no matter if you like the answer or not, or even if I don’t like the answer. We’ll see what you all come up with.

I just may tell you to go ask your mother. Or look it up.

But who knows what may come of this madness, if I lose readers I’ma go on over to This fish and take Heathers. But I ain’t Skerd!! Let's give it a shot. You Q; I'll A. Go!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Blog 4 2day

This had been an interesting weekend.
But we got through it, and I feel pretty good about my husband and I, and our ability to keep moving. God blessed us, truly blessed us Saturday, and we were able to handle an unexpected problem (car battery died) without major, major problems, despite being in the middle of what could be easily considered less than ideal circumstances. Adding on to that – while my husband can build you a kick arse computer, and fix your computer when it goes all hey wire strange with a ZILLION pop ups (which he did this weekend as well - gotta get him a greatest hubby in the world cup) he cannot however remove the car battery. Alas he is not perfect, just perfect for me. So entered my Dad wearing his Super Daddy Cape, and taught my hubby a new useful trick. Gotta love that. Dad’s are great, in my experience and if you have one avalible, as a woman I personally believe you have to be content with your relationship with him (your father) in order to understand yourself and the relationships you nurture with other men. That is another post. Back to the weekend, we helped my mom with her yard on Sunday, along with my sister and almost brother in law. My brother is still on my couch, my brother’s boyfriend is still on my chase. My house is still Fuller than a mug. Several of those people filling my house have made statement about how they don’t want to be a burden and “I’m not a part of the burden you are dealing with am I?” and that is a sticky question.
Lets look at the situation shall we. We live in a two bedroom apartment. One room Cammy dominated, the other bed room our personal love nest. A dining room, kitchen with no table, Living room containing couch and chase, and futon in Cammy’s room. Everybody’s broke or lets face it – they wouldn’t be in my house. I got extra people floating though like my house is a stop and shop, cousins, uncles and any random relative who lives or works in a six block radius or a twenty minute drive comes by and grabs a snack, takes a shower, sits, surfs the net, naps, uses the phone, comps the leftovers, what ever they would do if they owned the place they tend to do cause I own it. On top of that I got a whole three extra grown people in my house at any given moment who for all practical purposes live there. I can’t keep groceries in the house, ever- Can’t keep juice for the kid. Can’t have a minute with my husband – Can’t have sex in the dining room, shoot can’t have loud sex in the bedroom, Can’t walk around completely comfortable, however my husband could care less who is there – when its time for the pants to come off they are coming off and it’s a boxer underwear show for all. And while all of this is a lot, the most frustrating thing is, you can’t tell people how to fix their situations. My brother for instance, has been at my house for a week on wed, but he hasn’t found an apartment. Not necessarily a horrible thing, but man you gotta be sick of sleeping on a couch, right? Its been cool in some ways, like my brother cleans up the place great, he and Dwayne aren’t underfoot really, they are just there and he and Spoken keep Cammy from waking me up a five in the morning. Which is AWESOME! And Cammy loves having them there with her, she loves her uncle Rocky, and he can do no wrong in her eyes.
So that’s why the question is sticky. Are they a burden, yes. But it is what family does they accept your burden because you belong to them. They belong to me. So I don’t expect them to magically not be a burden tomorrow. When I say you can stay with me and my family, what I am in effect saying is that – come and let me, let us help you with your burden. And I (meaning either Jerry or I) am allowed to get a little agitated at times, as well as they will, we are five adults and a toddler living in a space meant for a couple, its not gonna be pretty everyday. I was complaining about how small our space was when it was just he and I, let alone once Cammy came along. So imagine how it feels now. I know the set of them will probably be in my house for a little while, and spoken probably until she can get this car thing ironed out and a apartment worked out – hopefully by mid July. But they are welcome there – even when they drive me crazy, they are welcome here. Now I would like it if Spoken would at least try to get a ride home from work every once in a while not every day – just once in a while – cause it’s not just the gas part of driving all the time that is annoying, it’s the actual driving part, the extra miles and wear and tear on the car and the driving part, did I mention the driving? Cause there is that whole driving part I’m not real fond of. Getting up after getting all settled in for the night to – you guessed it – Drive for an hour. Like I hate driving so much that I am looking for a job in down town St Louis so I can ride my bike to work. Seriously. We could cut down our commute and save gas money and I could RIDE a BIKE to WORK. How cool is that?
Any who I’m moving on to yesterday. Which was a good day. Had its moments – I made a few mistakes at work, annoying costly mistakes, but I was able to leave that at work which is always a good thing. Cammy and I went to the library, she let me read her a whole book at bed time and we got to sit and talk and just be together a little bit which was great. I found a book Jerry mentioned a little while ago and got that for him, proving I do listen to all the stuff he says even though he doesn’t think I do. Cammy and I got to play and work with puzzles, and look at picture books. She is dying for information, she just sucked it all up. Which means I’m slacking on the educate Cammy front, I think I’ll use her birthday to get it together. She really is the best kid I could have asked for. I think I’m also going to work on getting some back drops and stands so I can take more photos. There is a new camera coming out I really want. I’m afraid J is gonna veto that purchase. I’ma have to work on that. Anywho I’m gonna go back to work and try not to get distracted anymore today…

Saturday, June 03, 2006


Cause it makes everything better....

Friday, June 02, 2006

Remembering Kissing

I was reading Thoughts desire and she was talking about first kisses. She and her significant other were watching Hitch and they got into the discussion about if she could remember all her first kisses.
Thoughts Desire’s blog
My baby and I were sitting here watching the movie Hitch. And they got to the
part where Hitch was explaining to Brenneman how you only get one chance to make that first impression and the first kiss is such a huge part of it and how some
women even take the first kiss as being indicative of the kind of relationship
that awaits her. Then in a different scene, we watched as Brenneman just had his
first kiss and upon Allegra closing the door for the night and he dances down
the street.

And that got me to thinking. About my first kisses, and the ones that stick with me and provide warm memories that actually did tell me what kind of relationship I was looking into. Those are, ironically the only ones I remember.
My first kiss with Jerry for instance, was the night we actually first met – in person, cause as it is known we met on the internets. I like saying internets rather than internet. I don’t know why I just do. Anywho, We were watching cartoon network at like two thirty in the morning. And I was feeling emboldened, here I was with this man who I had asked to come home with me (which was a new thing for me), and I was enjoying his company, he made me laugh. And I was so comfortable next to him and I though to my self, “Self, you could kiss him.” Despite the fact that I had said to myself before I went on this date that even if I liked him I wasn’t gonna kiss him. But we were sitting there in bad lighting and his eyes just swam like melted chocolate, they still do. And I was just like man I bet he tastes good. So I sat on his lap (totally out of character for me) and kissed him. He was so gentle and his lips were so soft, and his hand – just one -was on my hip with just enough pressure for me to know it was there. It made me feel safe, like I just knew he wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted to be around him for a while after that, didn’t want him to go home. It didn’t exactly make me want to run down the street dancing like Albert Brenneman, but I did sit in the dark and smile about it for a few nights after. Shoot I got up and made breakfast and it was just a kiss!!! It was a very good kiss.

Just for giggles

They Both Prefer Meat

Mother to little girl: Eat your vegetables.
Little girl: I'm opposed to vegetables.
Father: Hey, your brother is opposed to dating women, and apparently we're letting that one slide.

--Jackson Hole, 2nd Ave

via Overheard in New York, Jun 1, 2006

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Cause it was there

you need to see this. Really. Thanks to thoughts daughter for supplying today’s moment.