Monday, June 26, 2006

Friends... how many of us have them....

Okay. Friday. Was. A. Bad. BAD. Day. Apparently Cammy’s upset stomach was a little more than an upset stomach last week, Jerry’s too mind you. Those two don’t really give you a good gauge on my tummy hurts. Apparently they have been passing around the stomach flu like business cards and it hit me on Thursday night, and all day Friday. The weekend of my wedding anniversary. Seriously. So I was regurgitating all of all day Friday. Left work after forty five minutes of being face planted in our disgusting bathrooms. I decided that I would simply have to take the attendance hit for this one. And my loving wonder husband came like a knight on shining champagne colored Trailblazer to swoop me home. Then my weekend takes a turn for the pretty bad.
Remember all that stuff I told you guys about how I was all for helping the people in my house and doing what ever I could etc, and I couldn’t think of the situation that would test my friendship?
Remember that?
Well. I found it. Lets talk hypotheticals shall we?
You got a friend who you let stay with you cause you were really, really concerned about her health, she needed surgery. You were like you have to have the surgery and the ONLY way you could talk her into having the surgery was to be like I’ll let you recoup on my futon until you get better. Your doctor tells her, six weeks, then she can go back to work. She plans on making enough money to pay her deposit on her apartment, and a down payment on her car and move on once she has gotten cleared to go back to work. She helps with the groceries during the six week stretch that she’s out, she worked hella overtime before the surgery you assume shes got a plan, you don’t ask what the plan is. She is a grown ass woman she ought to have a plan. You two talked at length over the last six months about resolving certain issues that would be a hindrance if not resolved, you simply assume she resolved them. So shes been cleared around week four to move around and go out and about, so you start helping her get the car hunt going. You are making the calls, and you find out that those things that you thought she fixed that she said she fixed, she simply didn’t.
No problem at least not your problem, she simply will have to spend more on interest etc than she originally thought. But with those issues the money she saved for her down isn’t enough. People are still working but now she starts work on Monday and doesn’t have a car.

This was never part of the plan.

But you are friends so you get your husband to take turns – mostly his turn – to go pick her up a good thirty to forty five minute drive daily at eleven o’clock at night. You drop her off in the morning on your way – Still out of the way mind you – where ever she so decides she wants to go. You gas expenses double. You are putting TWICE the miles on your car than you expect. Your husband is always tired, yet the gentlemen and won’t let you go unless he is unbearably tired. He doesn’t walk the dog in the morning, cause he’s too tired. He can’t relax cause he knows he’s gotta get up and go. Then she volunteers for this movie project. Which is cool, but you warn her – she can’t afford to financially contribute, she says I know, I won’t. You leave it at that. She’s still working you are still driving her, but you have to call her everyday and tell her to call people, she doesn’t seem to be moving on her own. That is annoying. Close to four weeks has gone by.
This took me until this morning to be able to talk about this with out getting really, really heated. So, somebody finally finds this girl a car. So she calls me to tell me she’s short on the money she needs to put down on the car. The guy is asking for a grand down.
Q. how could you be short when before you started back to work at the end of May you had $700, and you’ve been working for damn close to a month, been paid at least twice and possibly due again this week. And you’ve been working overtime at every given opportunity.
A. Well, she tells you. Some people needed some help.

Excuse me? Some people needed some help? From you, the homeless person with out a car? You don’t have any more money than you did when you started cause some “people needed some help?”

Tell me how you would respond?

I swear it took all of my self control not to put her out right then. My house is flipped over backwards, but somebody needed more help than you need to get your shit together. My husband is tired, our relationship is not regular. But you get to decide we can take more? I really need you to be able to go live with those people who needed your help so bad. You can’t get a ride, nobody else is helping you but you gotta help everybody who asks you? I need some of those people who needed your help you pick you up from work. If she had been really thinking about being my friend she would have been trying to get up and on her feet. I am not willing to help everyone she deems worthy. Remember that movie project she said she knew she couldn't afford to help with , apparently she forgot before she hung up, or just flat lied to my face, cause she and i quote,"spent more than she was supposed to on that.." more than you were supposed to? you wen't suuposed to spend anything on that until you didn't live with me. Grandmother needs help, go back to vegas and live with her and help her for real. Cause this is not what I signed up for. I have my hands full helping her, so for her to decided that I can continue to help her for longer than absolutely necessary really, really gets my goat.
I feel used and taken advantage of. As if I was simply convenient, the next logical step on who she could get the most out of. And like everything she said to me really meant shit. Now the time frame has shrunken, I am no longer willing to put my husband or family in any state of discomfort to accommodate you. I will keep my word but now, I need you to get an apartment yesterday. She is so far down my shit list she’s probably decomposing by now.
And I don’t know why I’m surprised. It happens every time. Last time it was the rental car thing, 2300.00. Every time I call someone a friend, they push and push and push until I break.

I must have sucker stamped on my forehead.


Blogger Jaelithe said...

I don't think you have sucker stamped on your forehead. You were just trying to do the right thing, and help a friend in need. So few people are willing to offer kindness and hospitality to others in need these days because so many times it seems like you don't get back what you give. But you have been honorable in this situation. Don't blame yourself for how it's turned out. The world needs more people who are willing to help others, not fewer.

Sometimes people get themselves stuck in a rut so dark and deep for long enough that even if someone jumps down there with them and puts a ladder in their hand they're convinced they can't climb out. I know how it is because I've been there myself, and I feel guilty to this day about a few times when I only frustrated people who were going out of their way to help me help myself.

I hope Spoken can get her shit together. You've done all you are able to do to help her, and I have the feeling that even if it doesn't seem like she appreciates it now, one day she will get out of her own head long enough to realize just how much you've done, and she will be grateful for all of it. In fact, it may be that one day she may even thank you for putting your foot down and saying "No more," just when she needed a shove.

But even if she doesn't, you've done right by a friend, and I believe any kindness makes the world a better place.

12:13 PM  
Blogger CousinSarah said...

Q, there are several kinds of people in the world. One of the kinds are people who cant help but help people they love when in need. Sometimes I have done this with people who at the end I was like, I am a total idiot. Others, I have been able to help people who truly appreciate it. And I think of the times in my life I have recieved help. Girl, it can be costly, but it will come back for you. I believe each things is a lesson and we have to be sure the part of us that is hurt wont harden who we really are. After a few wounds that becomes more and more of a challenge. But I agree with the lady who commented above me. We are so lacking compassion, care and community right now, any little bit helps. And Cammy gets to see her mom's big heart is more ways than one, increasing her chances of having one to. Even if its only one person you bring to the good side, it was one more than was there. LOL

I really miss talkin with you Ma. And us, I want back on the blog list!!!!!!!!! I knew you before Gretchen. lol.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Marriage-101 said...

I've never read your blog before, but you sound like a really wonderful person and a great friend. People will always take advantage, but that shouldn't stop you from being the good-hearted person you are. You will be rewarded, maybe not by your friends, but by God.

1:55 PM  
Blogger clarelittle said...

I love reading your stuff for the past 6 months or so. I wanted to recommend a good book. It was given to me by a nurse freind who does counseling and gets into christian stuff, although I am not a church goer, it makes good sense. Its called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. I have a page now too so you know who I am !

1:40 PM  
Blogger S. Susanne said...

Wow -- "Some people needed help"? Seriously? The hypothetical friend really pushed the hypothetical boundaries on that one. You are one good soul. Now go toss her hypothetical ass off your futon!

8:53 PM  
Anonymous TiTo said...

Your classic. Remember when I told you that? I feel so out of the loop and I don't know what to say. I had NO IDEA what the flim flam has been going on. I don't hear from you much...I know why now.

Your a beautiful person. All of us who know you are somehow better because we know you. Believe me. I haven't been the friend I should be or could be either. I somehow have a deep since of shame and regret because I didn't know. How come I didn't know. Why come I didn't know. Child, you need a spa day. Holla at cha girl.

Continue to bless Quita. Continue to do what you can. If in fact someone crosses the limits of taking kindness for with them accordingly. Whatever that means to you.

If it's any consolation, I love you. Tony and I both do. We need a dinner date....STAT!

6:06 PM  

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