Wednesday, June 22, 2005

We're off... On Our Next Adventure

We'll I've very little time to post - I'm tickinig Jerry off as we speak - since I'm not packing - Next time we speak I'll be married and you'll have photos- unless they have internet connection at the resort - then you might get some spot posts but nothing detailed - I got beaches to attend to!!!

Mrs. Henderson

Monday, June 20, 2005

HBO Def poetry - needs a hearing aide

Lately since the recent season premiere of ‘Russel Simmons presents Def Poetry’ which airs Friday nights at 10:30 on HBO, as well as several rebroadcasts of the same episode several times that night as well as during the week and on any number of the HBO substations,(HBO2, HBOZone, HBO west coast ect…) anyway lately myself and several of my poetry counterparts and as well as people I admire in the poetry world, we have been discussing the quandary that is Def Poetry. As I stated in a friends comments section - Me and Def poetry have a love hate relationship - I love the possibility they hate living up to. It has been pointed out that the ratio of Poets to Celebrities has gotten out of hand- as if there aren’t enough good poets doing good poetry –(Because apparently going from the quality of poets performing you don’t have to be spectacular – just better than average.) to fill an half an hour. I digress at even the most mediocre poetry spot – we can fill 30 minutes with some pretty good stuff. Just a few of those poets featured on Def Poetry are good performers and average poets. This last episode I listened to – and enjoyed Dan Sully and Tim Strattford "Death From Below", Bassey Ikpi "I Want to Kiss You", Georgia Me "For Your Protection", and Will Da Real One Bell "Diary of the Reformed". My fiancée really enjoyed Alica Keys’ poem “P.O.W.” and I thought it was alright – I could tell she really believes in her poems the way she believes in her music – or she’s a great actress and needs to try out for some movie - that's my biggest thing about spoken word in general- that performance is so much more the focus than poetry, how you say what you are saying in stead of HOW you SAY what you are saying - are you following me people?

I catch so much flack for feeling this way - but if you don't read poetry - try and learn your craft how can you call yourself a poet? Alica Keys can call her self a musician because she studies and grabs the art of playing the piano, comics practice material and study comics before them - Because you expressed your self with a poem - that automatically makes you a poet? how bout no? How bout I'm gonna practice medicine but that don't make me a doctor. There are a few other main stream poetry shows out there along with a countless numbers put together by public access channels. I have heard of one on Black Family Channel - and I never know when BET is gonna show Lyric Café (has anyone seen a accurate BET show guide –really?) so the shows are there, they just suffer from the same fate hip hop has become befallen to. Commercialization. When people figure out they can make money on something – its usually by making it look like something else. In this case – its easy to try an package Poetry like hip/hop or worse yet - Rap, to make money off of it.

I love poetry - I honestly do, and what people put on paper and call poetry hurts my little poet soul some days. And I watch Def poetry because it is such a step forward but like all things commercial Russell is more concerned with the bottom line than keeping it real. Don’t get me wrong I believe he believes in the potential of the art, that he feels like he is promoting poetry the way he promoted hip hop- but it isn’t the same. And it is sad that he can't see the earning potential in poetry in its natural state , that he feels he must amp it up to retain viewers, sadly it may be the opposite.
Poetry is not hip hop. Rappers are not poets. Anymore than I can stand up and rap I don’t believe they can stand up and spit. I do admit there are poets who can rap – and rapper who read well; Dahlak Brathwaite: "Just Another Routine Check" from episode (29) i.e this seasons first episode is a prime example. But those are exceptions to the rule.
As much as I love him Mos Def is not a poet in all of his renaissance man theologian, broadway, hip hop Mc, Actor, movie star goodness – he’s not a poet, so why is he hosting? He’s not even good at it. And all in all isn’t that the point? Poets being good enough at poetry to warrant a show. You didn’t have celebrities on Def Comedy Jam or did I miss the episode where comics weren’t funny enough on their own they needs some celebrity push. I understand the finance of it, I know I spent more than my fair share of my income (more than 40% some years) putting poetry events together to try and further the poetry movement, and poetry don't make money in most average sized markets. and that's real - markets like b-more and NYC and LA that's a bit different some marketing and promos and some phat poets and you can get 300 peeps weekly to come and shell out a cover - but that don't stop me from loving poetry or spending my money trying to push it further still, or begging Def Poetry to be real about it. Def poetry could be something great just like Def comedy launched careers, Def poetry could do that – for more than the 8 to ten who did Def Poetry on Broadway. They could have a new cast every year, they could be the base that launched poetry tours like Kings of comedy – (I know there was one that did a show in BMore but I’m talking true tour in the realest most commercially feasible sense of the word.) Def poetry could be the venue that makes poets respect the form more, makes commercial media respect the art form more, But honestly that’s really the poets job isn’t it? If we don’t respect our art to demand more of the people using it – especially our selves – then we don’t have a whole lot of room to talk do we? I'm just trying some different avenues. Tell me what you think….

p.s the DVD's of the show need to be better too, we all know everypoet gets up there and does at least two or three pieces - they need to do some real bonus material and some interviews and stuff fromthe show... Shoot the DVD was like twenty bucks for four shows... Russell you need to get real on that one fo sho!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Earning you Fathers Day off....

Cammy and Daddy as the Bear
Originally uploaded by raquita.
Jerry put it down at Cammy's Birthday party. He dressed up like Bear in the Bear in The Big Blue House It was so much fun to watch the kids respond to Jerry - although most of the older kids thought it would be a good idea to take the bear out.

We cooked six pounds of hamburger, two packages of brats, 36 hotdogs, two mega bags of chips, potatoe salad, and baked beans. 5 - 24 packs of soda and 2 paks of bottled water It was all gone- vanished by the end of the evening, and pray tell when does a birthday pary last 6 hours?
How ever this was our first one and we are learning - next year - ChuckE Cheese!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Overheard on the internet

Some Bro's discussing Michale Jacksons trial ending: WHO BAD NOW MISTER
TheKillaCal: How do you feel about his post trial reaction? MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! words can not express
my disapointment!
TheKillaCal: I expected at least a moonwalk myself ME TOO!!!
TheKillaCal: maybe a spin,if we were
lucky a crotch grab like he damn near
might as well have been guilty
TheKillaCal: that nigga didn't do SHIT!! i was that disappointed.... i mean... he went
nigga for the trail... he was getting there late n shit showed up in pj's n shit
AND house shoes nigga, tell me that
aint some niggardly shit
TheKillaCal: all he needed was a bucket of chicken;
or some ribs LOL you know?
rib stains on his t-shirt some chicken
grease on his glasses lol; but look tho if he was gonna go that niggarly for the
trail.. he could at least got his end zone celerbration on
RIGHT!!! walked out of the court room like
HHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! like in the bad video running around n
TheKillaCal: That's like TO giving the ball to the ref and walking to
the sideline!!! fuck yea!
TheKillaCal: I
thought he was gonna jump on the table and pull a crowbar out of his pants

P.S One of the guys was listening to the Bad album and was particularly moved by the line "your butt is mine...." How about HELLZ NAW!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2005


In the words of bitemerealhard's blog
NOT GUILTY!!!! On everything...
Give homey his $3 million dollars back and get the fuck out his hair.
Ya heard?Please Mr. O'Reilley and friends. I hope you're choking to death
on this startling revelation you fat biased bitches!
Wacko Jacko that. You too Nancy Grace, and Marsha Clark with your $2
clearance rack hair coloring kit! Martin Bashir with your back stabbing, two
talking ass, get back!
Go find someone else to fuck with and extend your eleven minutes in the
spotlight. Your journalism skills suck. So does your Geraldo Rivewhatever!
Still don't have those Beatles rights either!

And that pretty much sums up the whole Michael Jackson thing for me. Lets elaborte a 'lil bit. I think the man is guilty of something - just not the charges they brought him up on. I'm glad the justice system worked and i'm glad there were no black people in the jury at all - so we can't be accused of using our Jedi mind tricks on the white people. Oh we have them. You should see my daughter use them on white women - its priceless. Anyway, without getting side tracked I think Mikey has had all the lost childhood he's gonna get - he's 46- its time to grow the F*ck up. He needs to move to Europe, or Asia whre people still faint at the sight of his beige ass and work on a comeback album - take about two years to record it - get R Kelly to produce it, get some guest spots from Snoop, Jay Z, Willie Nelson and is Kobe rapping yet? if so throw his ass on it and call it We're free Bytches! Vol 1.
No seriously- ever wonder why there are never any black kids making these charges? Do I think he did it? Not these charges no- Will cammy be going to a sleepover at neverland? HELLZ NAW!!! Black mommas - even the dumb as hell ones (and there are some dumbasses of color who choose to reproduce - normally with other dumbasses) ain't letting their kids any where near an over night with somebody there is even a whisper of that kind of rumor. Cammy can't go play with kids if I haven't done a complete background check on the whole house. I'm trying to be involved with the neighborhood association and the block unit and e'rything so I know just what the deal is in my neighborhood.
Michael Jackson got some issues. I hope he gets some help with most of them. I hope people get smart about sending their children into those kinds of stupid situations. I hope black people were rooting for Micahel becaseu they reviewed the facts and beleive he was innocent of these charges- I hope white people do the same. I hope court TV gets pulled off air - it does not lead people to a innocent until proven guilty mindset - as long as it puts the name of the accused into public record and protects the accuser. I think the accused should be affored that same annomity until proven guilty. Now Michael - If he hadn't paid off the last set of accusers I firmly beleive he would be in jail now, and calling some man Bubbles. But that's just my take on it - I've been wrong before.

She was right.. All this from some colored squares?

I found this quiz on a another blog I visit frequently - you just click on the squares picking the colors as you see fit and then it gives you a personality test results. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about these results - I would assume they are pretty accurate- i'd like to think I was better in a few of these areas but - I'm probably not. If you know me - let me know if you think these are accurate.

The Color Quiz

Your Existing Situation

Needs, and insists on having, a close and understanding relationship, or at least some method of satisfying a compulsion to feel identified.

Your Stress Sources

The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.<P>Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.<P>

Your Desired Objective

Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. Her own need for approval makes her ready to be of help to others and in exchange she wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which she hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.

Your Actual Problem

(love how they point out my actual problem rather than the twenty or thirty or so I imagine.)

The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.
Please recommend us to your friends. I'm still thinking about that part - if you blog it send me the results I'm dying to know how disfunctional my crew is!

Locked and Loaded

Okay it's done and it cost too much to do. My hair is in the beginning stages of sister locks – a very very small version of a dread lock. Probably not the best thing to start a week before the wedding – but it will work. It was actually supposed to be a larger lock than I have, but you know how beauticians are – you get what they like. Reason #1 why I dislike beauty shops; it's nice to know they haven't changed in the 10 years I was in hair hiding.

Cammy busted her lip again - when that child bleeds its like it will never stop! She slipped and fell while I was on the portch and Jerry brought her to the door bleededing all over both of them. I surely almost lost my mommy mind. I don't do well with her blood on the outside of her body. I'm pretty good at handling anybody elses blood but Cammy's blood - we'll all do better if it stays in her body. I yelled at Jerry cause he was in the house with her. He said she was right there, I always thinks he gives her way too much credit as to what she can get her self out of and whats gonna end up with her bleeding all over his shirt. I swear when I go to Dallas I'm gonna wrap her in teflon and steel. Daddy's don't anaticipate like Mommies do, they love just as hard but they think the kid can do what ever the Daddy can do - or rather thinks they could do if they were two feel tall. Shes a Daddy's girl but i notice how she looks for me when shes mad or upset - she knows shes got me too. For further insight on the lip I think Jerry was working on a post - check out his blog here.

We got our rings yesterday too. I just absolutely love Jerry's ring. Its is so perfect for him. Mine is simple and delicate while pretty and strong at the same time. It's a lot of ring, makes me wonder if I should wear both my wedding ring and my engagement ring at the same time. Makes for a lot of metal on my hand at one time, probaly more jewelry than I have ever worn at any given point in my life. they are engraved and i like the idea of the thought on the inside of my ring - I wish you could have rings embossed so you can feel the words - but I can feel them anyway so thats alright.
Jerry's first fathers day is aproaching and I think he may not have any faith in my ability to think up gifts for him. I'll learn him!

Cammy's first birthday is shortly as well! See jerry's blog for tales of the Bear - as he will be dressing up and earning his worlds greatest dad ribbon the day before fathers day. She is getting too big too fast.

Anyway – As nervous as I am about the hair thing, I'm okay with trying it, and it can't be any worse than the nothing I've been doing with my hair for years. Jerry seems magnetically attracted to it when he first saw it and I guess that's always a good sign when they wanna touch it. I realize my posts have been a little less than enlightening but I'm tired and trying to get through this whole wedding/birthday/fathers day period I've got coming up. Pray for me; Its sure to be a doozie!

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Fuzzy handcuffs and other tokens of love

Originally uploaded by raquita.
I have put the photos up from the shower - feel free to take a look - you should be able to click on the photo to get to my Flickr account!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Countdowns, Shopping, Showers and love

It is a strangely peaceful time for me. My bridal shower was a few days ago. My mother, sister and aunt all put together a really cute fun afternoon with several friends and family members. I was surprised at some of the people who came, pleasantly of course. My friends made toilet paper stripper poles, dominatrix whips, purses and diamonds. It was a day to be remembered. I was honored to be reminded that these people love me. and we had a token male in To - Cam's godfather he came but alas did not strip. Ah well. My Brother was there but he's not quite the token male. He was mostly the caterer. My family makes the best rum punch on the planet and we will have to have it repeated at the reception. I give my word I will post pictures by the end of the week.  
The wedding itself is a week and four days away. I am not nervous. I'm feeling very sure about it, ready to go forward. Okay a little nervous. But I think that's good, since this isn't a small thing I am walking into, and it cannot be undone. I am so sure that this is what I God wants of us. Sure that this is what is right for us, what we want as well. I'm not excited about getting married - I'm excited to be his wife. So excited that I've taken shopping to a whole new level for us. I've lost my mind in the malls lately.Baby Gap should know me by name and I probably should have courtesy charge cards sent to me from 3/4th of the mall to ensure my total submission to the mall. I bought too many outfits for Cammy, not enough practical items for Jerry and my self and I still need to pick up basics like socks and underwear. Those things and a few pair of shorts and we should be good to go.
We bought luggage. A nice practical set of four pieces that should serve us well in the next few months. A very adult purchase as we are no longer packing in Adidas and Army duffel bags and JanSport book bags. Jerry was not convinced that it was a practical purchase - he also thought a old office desk from 1972 was going in my living room. Ummm.... how 'bout no?
Cammy's birthday party is this weekend. We are looking forward to that. and I'll post pictures of that too. Jerry's dressing up like Bear in the Big Blue house -Priceless.


Saturday, June 11, 2005

Found: one White boy in Japan

Originally uploaded by raquita.
Well - he's arrived in one piece in Japan thankfully!! He called today and sent e-mail and Jerry was so glad to know he was alright. He looks like he's having a good ole time - Pictures of the roommate and stuff are in my flickr account - hopefully I'll make a flickr account for him so you can see these in his blog.. Read the tales of his mishaps in the link to the right...

Friday, June 10, 2005

Overheard in New York

One of my favorite Blogs is as the title of this entry points out Overheard in New York. People do say the darnest things and people over hear that stuff all the time... Now you can hear some of the finer eaves droppings ever like this one:
Overheard by: c. dubs
The train pulls out of the underground.
Three Hispanic teens look outside.
Hispanic teen #1: You can't see the Eiffel Tower from here?
They continue looking for a good twenty seconds.
Hispanic teen #2: That shit's in Paris, yo!


When Your White Boy Goes Missing

Tag team back again

Adam is gone – see link to My White Boy in Japan – and I have begun to see the withdrawal effects on my fiancée. Just for a little background information. My fiancée has a group of friends who are tighter than your high school prom dress on your ten year reunion body. They call them selves the Pantheon, what is that you say? Via Merriam-Webster Online it is:

Main Entry: pan·the·on
Pronunciation: 'pan(t)-thE-"än, -&n
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English Panteon, a temple at Rome, from Latin Pantheon, from Greek pantheion temple of all the gods, from neuter of pantheios of all gods, from pan- + theos god
1 : the gods of a people; especially : the officially recognized gods

2 : a group of illustrious persons

Fitting? Number 2 maybe – sure… Number 1? Not really but they are a tight knit group, the kind of friends I wish for Cam, the kind there for the long haul. And one of the guys Adam got a job overseas and left for Japan on Wednesday . Adam, you see, is Jerry’s very best friend. The one I saw most often. If Adam didn’t come over at least twice during the week (on a light week) and both Saturday and Sunday – I was concerned.
“J? Is Adam okay – have you talked to him?”
“Yeah, he’s at his moms house today – he’ll probably be by tomorrow.”
“As long as he’s okay.”
“He’s cool.”
Adam is the guy I call when I need Jerry to go somewhere.
“Adam why don’t you guys go get coffee?”
“Need a minute Quita?”
“Yeah, Just need to breathe.”
“Hey J- lets go grab a iced mocha!”
Okay, so that particular scenario only happened like, once, but its always nice to have the option to ship you man off with his boy and know the shenanigans that are about to transpire will not put you relationship at jeopardy. Adam is my friend too. I tease Adam and tell him he was the third part of our relationship - he just never got any of the sex. He was less than thrilled to miss out on the sex. The point was he is our friend. And how many girls can say that about their mans best friend? A great guy and literally the yin to Jerry’s yang. So what happens when your yang moves half way – or rather completely to the other side of the world?
He wonders out loud if Adam is alright –“I wonder if he’s landed yet?” “I hope he’s waking up on time.” “Its about 11 am there now right?”
I knowing my role answer “He’s probably still flying now sweetie..” “he’ll be fine after a few days to fight the jet lag..” “yeah its about 11 am”
And now who will fill the massive void in my baby’s life? Who will stop by just to say what’s up? Who will cuddle my kid and teach her Japanese? Who will sort through all the madness my baby’s mind pours out as ideas and say “Ohh I see and you know what you could do next…” he has other friends but none quite like Adam. Collin* is cool and has been coming out of the wood work, Tambora – the cool one who is growing attractive in his older age works such odd hours we never know when he’s gonna pop up. Then there is Justin – he’s just the coolest guy and if he wasn’t one of Jerry’s best friends I’d count him among mine- he has such a loyal spirit and can be such a devoted friend- but a video game junkie - althoguh we share a love for 2-D fighter (highughkick!!) . And then there are those ust on the outskirts of being Pantheon – lesser gods if you will, Kevin, my chocolate guy (he really sells chocolate) Ahmed (who may be one pitch from a strike out in general) Alvin*– Collin’ brother in law, and Ian (who also may be on a full count since his altercation with Ahmed) Ed, cool straight male hair dresser. I know like one in a million. Joel - in New York- doesn't count casue he's well in New York.
So I’ve been wondering who I will see more of. Collin comes with wife Reba*- whom I have so very little in common with – I’m never sure how that should go. I’m hoping we can hang a little more. Ed has new Girlfriend, who is cool and graduating next week! (Congrats) and they are still in that new love - can't breathe if I can't see her touch her must get contact refill faze. Alvin is such a cool free spirit - he's going to Alaska in a few months. As well as with My cousins who have hubbys, we’ll call them Rachel and Annette. We all about the same age and we should at least try to see if we enjoy time with them and their spouses.
Also hoping Jerry will jump into his writing more, find a less sedentary hobby than the ones he has now, perhaps gets more enthused about golf- he liked hitting the ball, that’s what he said. But I post all of this to say as much as I worry about Adam in a new country – I worry about Jerry in a new place here. He misses his friend. The chocolate Lucky Charms left over in the cupboard just remind him that he is not here, and there is nothing I can do to fix that. Except remember that he is going to be more lonely for a little bit and try and be there.

Adam -call your boy when you read this – I don’t care what time it is – time difference means JACK SHIT. Love ya – enjoy that sushi for me!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I blog because

J my fiancée is a bit… shall we say disturbed – yes disturbed in that way yes- but really disturbed that he reads so much about me on my blog. He has started to blog a bit. And I enjoy reading the moments from the non stop onslaught of ramblings his mind puts forth, but he doesn't log in nearly as much as I do.

You ever know something is so vitally important to your relationship you would do anything to make sure the need is filled. That is what this blog is for me. I started it because I don't normally participate in small talk. Don't randomly throw out my thoughts to people in general conversation. I've really just not had the kind of friends who care to just talk in a very long while. Jerry is my best friend and he ALWAYS wants to talk. About miscellaneous anything, and I love that. I've just not been groomed much as a talker. I love to read and discuss poetry and poems black issues, political issues, books, almost anything, J just happens to find the almost in that statement more than I care to admit. But Can I tell you how comforting it is that my man, my mate wants to talk to me – that he cares what is going on in my head, and my heart. The fact that he worries because he hasn't seen any new poetry from me in a while is heart warming. Makes me know why I am going to Jamaica in two weeks.

The fact that his brain – shoot anybody's brain like his intimidates me, is my own personal issue. But my opinions are mine and I am beginning to stand stronger and firmer on them and feel more able to share them with out feeling undereducated. I have been working on this aspect of myself since I decided to marry a genius. You gotta feel comfortable with your own intelligence before you can marry someone who with the right training and desire could arguably out think 94% of the population.

Even still I think Jerry is a better writer than me - which is why he thinks I don't seek him out to share my writing with him but really...its like Daniel-san showing Mr. Miagi his new sea gull kick - you just know he's gonna send him back to wax another car. And even Though I know Jerry won't sometimes his writing does. But I blog because I know He will read it.  I didn't think he ws reading it this often but I blog because I knew he came here to see what I was thinking – and maybe he would ask me about it and I could remember all the random thoughts that only have time to pass my mind while at work, and we could talk about them then - because right after work life starts, and his mind is still dealing with the random thoughts. So since I know he will read this…


Baby – I blog so you can read this, so you can know me a little better everyday, because I love you, because I never remember to tell you all the little thoughts – So I can share, I blog so you can read this.   

Untitled Poem

I have been writing - and CoPo Soul has been hounding me to put up some new work. So here it is- if anybody has a title in mind I'd love to hear it.

I don't wake for sunrises anymore

Don't sit in the grass when the rain pours

I am not the woman I used to be

When I look in mirrors I don't know  which reflection

To believe

I  have learned dreams are just dreams

And reality isn't all that real

When you don't know who's looking back at you

The fact that you have furrowed your brow

And put your drink down  

Just means you don't know who you see either

I push my palm out to meet her

But there is always this stupid glass between us

And no phone to the right of my medicine cabinet

Her voice absent

Flesh replaced by glass that

Doesn't give anything back

Me trying to track the moment we became strangers

We have the same eyes the same hair

But the recognition is just not there

I know her don't I?

She wants to sit and watch planes land

Lose shoes in Mississippi mud sand

And write poems

Me I want to hold my daughter

Love her father

And write poems

Words – I use to know them

But now they are just as strange to me

As the reflection I seek out but I cannot find mine

My words or my vision

Myself or my wisdom

I chase my past

Reflections of what I remember

Warped faded pixilated

Some days she believes me when I say

I chase the fireflies of my creativity

But I won't catch them

Can't contain myself in Jelly jars

Sweet residue not enough to sustain them

and I couldn't bear to let them go again     

We the two ends of the same rainbow

So different but the same though

Mirrors reflect the truth of what we see

Not reality

Even if I see the sun rise in my daughters eyes

And sit at let his love fall on me

I see I am not the woman I used to be

I am better 

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Touch Me... Be Touched

Today, This morning I have had a revelation – if you know God, believe you can have a full out conversation with God, then I've just explained what my morning ws like. I did a little work, read a few chapters in a book, Spend a little time soul searching and prayed and waited for God to talk back. Ironically he did not answer the questions I asked. Did not say what I wanted him to hear. Didn't have some long deep conversation full of revelations. He simply said

"Touch the people you love."

I thought God meant in some poetic deep meaningful way, then God said

"Just put your hand on them."

And I understood.

Nothing conveys love like touch. That I need to have my flesh touch your flesh. Know you are real – Feel your spirit in your skin. Touch leads to all your other senses. If I touch you I'm close enough to smell your scent, through colognes and soap. See you and just you. Hear you breathing, taste your mood, (Sorry it's the poet in me) and touch you accordingly. Is it any wonder that a hug releases so many emotions in people? Or simply a hand on a shoulder to assure people in their souls that they are not alone. And I say this to you all so I can tell you to touch your family. Hug them because they are there. Put your hands on your friends. You touch will tell them you are there for them and they are not alone. Your child who you are having difficulty with, mate you feel slipping away, friend you haven't talked to in weeks, sibling you just don't hug often enough, the person you can't get them to understand you and you don't understand them – put your hand you their cheek. Muss their hair, playful head lock, hug from behind, TOUCH them. They need it and so do you.

My aunt can make me tell her the whole absolute truth we one hug. She can pull tears from me I didn't know I needed to shed by putting both of her hands on my face and looking at me. She gives the biggest full body – you better now she loves you hugs I ever got, one other person comes close, a friend – we'll call Clark. He is always going though something. Life is not nice to Clark – he has the worst luck –if you want to call it that- of anyone I know. But he always hugs you – sometimes I think its because he needs it, sometimes I know its because I needed it but I always know its coming. I see Clark I get hug. Big ole rounded back his arms reach all the way around me and stop at my arms on the opposite side- none of that middle back pat for Clark –NOOOO! You see Clark you get THAT hug. That simple. And I know Clark loves me, we are good friends. He is arguably my best friend, and we got there one hug at a time. I like to lean on him, and when he leans on me I know its because he feels welcome in my home and in my space. And I wonder if the other people I love know what their touch means to me, I know what my touch means to Jerry and as much as I gripe about all the backrubs he asks for and how every time I touch him he tells me that he likes it- as if I didn't know that and it had nothing to do with why I chose to touch him, or give him a hand rub- Even though these things drive me crazy I'm glad I know that my touch tells him I love him, as it is supposed to. And maybe I'll get around to loving him and the rest of my people a little bit more.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I'll be there for you!!!

Well today is my white boy in Japans going away party because technically - he's not quite in Japan- he's still in St Louis... I'll update this to tell you how funny this night was...

Friday, June 03, 2005

Ti To takes over the Playground

cam's GP's swinging
Originally uploaded by raquita.
Remember when I was talking about cam's god parents? She's got a zillion (okay three god majaahs and three god faajahs - think austin powers when you read that) but these are the two most active in her life and chosen because they are great people, wonderful friends (when we remember to call them and they us) and the only other healthy black couple we know not directly related to us. Which makes them a pretty good example for my kid even though their cat is sapwn from HELL - lub ya jinx!! Well this is them. And that is Ti giggling like a four year old on the swing - she clearly needs more time on a swing. I just love the picture and I love them - I don't know that they even read my blog but this picture just makes me happy for them and I thought I would share....

having a good day?

having a good day?
Originally uploaded by raquita.
This picture kinda sums up how I'm feeling - I'm feel pretty good. Only a JLo album an a day off could have made it any better but I know something is lurking under the surface- I'm praying its nothing this serious but I know somethings coming for me - (Hear jaws music now - da da ... da da da da...) When the shoe drops I'll post it so you guys will see just how big that shark was, or if it was an over zealous catfish.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

International inlaw-inlaws

Marry American. That's one thing I never thought about as an option. While I find Accents sexy, finding a foreign man I could get along with enough not to kill over basic rituals we take for granted in our everday life seemed way more difficult than teaching Jay how to talk with an accent. My sister however, has excercised her option to - not marry American. I'm not sure if his accent was a factor. And my current headache, the first of many which she and I will share I'm sure as married sisters, are my sisters in-laws. her mother and sister in laws respectively, and mind you my brother in law. We'll call him Peet. Why? Becasue he is not aware that I blog my whole life and may be less than pleased should he ever google his name and find this post. Peet is a good guy. He makes my sister happy - 92% of the time - which is great! I gave him his fair amount of Sh$!* in the beginning but I think he's a great addition to our family. He gives us flavor, most days he scares Cammy but she decided she liked him last weekend, and who can argue with that?

What is my delimma? Well his family live in a third world country you can't just buy a ticket and travel. You have to go through all sorts of beaurocratic red tape to get out of the country, and my brother in law is apparently a procrastinator. Why is this affecting me? Because all the work I have done to get my whole family in one place is about to go up in smoke.

My brother in law thought this would be a great opportunity to have his family meet our family. It is much easier to fly them to another "not US country" than it is to fly them to St. Louis MO USA for their (my sister and brother in law's) wedding in Nov. I agree that would be great, we love meeting people, all the better if meeting strangers has a purpose for us. Alas it is too late. Apparently as I understand it the paper work for thier travel has just been completed but the resort is booked. While all of my family and Jerry's friends have booked confirmed and paid in full, my in-law in laws have not. So they just can't come we'll meet you on another occasion, right? Nope. Peet is completely gung ho that they come, and they bought plane tickets yesterday. WHAT?!?! Why would you buy plane tickets and not buy your hotel at the same time? and I can understand how he feels- he rarely sees his mother and sister - but does it have to be at my weddings expense? Does my sister have to be removed from my event? She's my maid of honor, my honest to goodness best friend and MY SISTER for crying out loud! To get them there they will have to stay at a seperate resort but, (you know you can see this coming) Peet's not gonna want them to stay at a seperate resort alone so he and my sister will have to stay with them, or the inlaws will stay at the resort with us and my sister will stay somewhere else. Neither situation will sit pretty with me. I've been pulling and pecking, offering to pay for deposits and secure rooms since the very begining to make sure this very event did not happen. So much for pre planning.
Why didn't I reserve the extra room I thought about so many times? why didn't Peet and sister reserve the room for the inlaws when they reserved there own? Why is this happening? why does the sun not set in the east? Who the frick knows. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Quote of the day

See the Link for Joe.My.God (not really) in my blogroll....
I find myself in Times Square at 4am, standing outside an adult bookstore.
The neon-framed poster in the storefront announces the arrival of the DVD
"Ghetto Gangbang #35". I'm uninterested, because after "Ghetto Gangbang #29",
the director seems to have lost the narrative thread.

Exactly waht I was thinking!!!

The day after....And pre-wife jitters

It was rather unclimatic. We now own a home. A piece of real estate. When we walked in the door after closing we both looked at one another, put the baby down, put away the formula we bought, moved normally, methodically towards the back of the house, stopped in the hallway between all the rooms looked at each other. I asked,

"Does it feel any different to you?"
"Me either"

And there you have it. Makes me wonder if getting married will change anything in how we feel?
Jerry's friend Kevin (one of my favorites) calls me the Pre-Wife, he says I'm too cool and installed to be a fiancee. A few of my friends said the same thing. One friend called and asked why we didn't have a reception after the wedding. Ummm how bout we haven't actually had the wedding yet? I really need to send out those invites this week. Anyway will a wedding change anything? Will it make our commitment any more real to either of us? Probably not.

We listen to talk shows and people go on about how much they dislike their spouse. Hear friends talking about how somebody is married and is cheating boldly on their spouse. And I always wonder why they got married? What was so enticing about saying those vows that makes people forget why you say them? What makes people forget what they really mean? What language is their heart hearing when they translate 'til death do you part' to 'until I don't like you anymore'. What about that person becomes so difficult to communicate with that you have to abandon the promise you made to yourself to them and to God? How can you love someone and eventually find yourself not even able to say you like them? That was the most important thing for me with Jerry and my measure of our relationship. I like him. I genuinely like him as a individual, as a person. He is such a great man. And on the days that may come where I'm not in love with him, I like him enough to want to fall in love with him again. I want to get to know him everyday. I want to see who he will become and I look forward to loving that man. But do I need a wedding to do that?

I was listening to Goldie Hawn, one of my favorite actresses, (don't laugh I really do like her-Overboard was one of my favorite movies when I was a teen) and she was talking about how something changes in a relationship when you go through a wedding. No matter how small the ceremony something changes. She has been with her "boyfriend" Kurt Russell for over twenty years and neither has any desire to actually formally marry. They had a commitment ceremony for their children but are not married by any recognized entity. But she maintains that they are committed in the same way as marriage. They both had been married before, and had failed at their respective marriages, so they had no desire to go through the pomp and circumstance. She says marriages don't happen over night, that marriage is an everyday thing. And I agree with her. Its a promise to wake up everyday and try your best to make it work. Marriage can be a inhalation or it can be a trap. She equates it {marriage} to a bird cage- if you leave the cage door open the bird is choosing to stay if you close the door the bird feels trapped. And how each person perceives it is all mental. I agree, but for me marriage is about opening the cage door and giving the bird the freedom to try flights it may not have tried before, because it now has a co-pilot or companion to make the trek with them, and a place to come back to.

So I have established that I agree with marriage but when does it start? Does the act of standing in front of people and declaring this series of promises start something that shacking up, and starting a family doesn't? I guess for me its a spiritual matter. I need to tell my Creator what my intentions are, and ask her blessing. Which is why I need to go to a place I know I feel close to God. I don't have a church home I hold close and go to because I know God is waiting for me there, but everytime I see the ocean I always feel the presence of God. So that's why getting married in Jamaica was so important to me.

So I guess I've answered all the questions I had about getting married. Funny how writing it down clears all kinds of things up for you.

may write again later today.. may not. Its been one of those days.