Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The day after....And pre-wife jitters

It was rather unclimatic. We now own a home. A piece of real estate. When we walked in the door after closing we both looked at one another, put the baby down, put away the formula we bought, moved normally, methodically towards the back of the house, stopped in the hallway between all the rooms looked at each other. I asked,

"Does it feel any different to you?"
"Me either"

And there you have it. Makes me wonder if getting married will change anything in how we feel?
Jerry's friend Kevin (one of my favorites) calls me the Pre-Wife, he says I'm too cool and installed to be a fiancee. A few of my friends said the same thing. One friend called and asked why we didn't have a reception after the wedding. Ummm how bout we haven't actually had the wedding yet? I really need to send out those invites this week. Anyway will a wedding change anything? Will it make our commitment any more real to either of us? Probably not.

We listen to talk shows and people go on about how much they dislike their spouse. Hear friends talking about how somebody is married and is cheating boldly on their spouse. And I always wonder why they got married? What was so enticing about saying those vows that makes people forget why you say them? What makes people forget what they really mean? What language is their heart hearing when they translate 'til death do you part' to 'until I don't like you anymore'. What about that person becomes so difficult to communicate with that you have to abandon the promise you made to yourself to them and to God? How can you love someone and eventually find yourself not even able to say you like them? That was the most important thing for me with Jerry and my measure of our relationship. I like him. I genuinely like him as a individual, as a person. He is such a great man. And on the days that may come where I'm not in love with him, I like him enough to want to fall in love with him again. I want to get to know him everyday. I want to see who he will become and I look forward to loving that man. But do I need a wedding to do that?

I was listening to Goldie Hawn, one of my favorite actresses, (don't laugh I really do like her-Overboard was one of my favorite movies when I was a teen) and she was talking about how something changes in a relationship when you go through a wedding. No matter how small the ceremony something changes. She has been with her "boyfriend" Kurt Russell for over twenty years and neither has any desire to actually formally marry. They had a commitment ceremony for their children but are not married by any recognized entity. But she maintains that they are committed in the same way as marriage. They both had been married before, and had failed at their respective marriages, so they had no desire to go through the pomp and circumstance. She says marriages don't happen over night, that marriage is an everyday thing. And I agree with her. Its a promise to wake up everyday and try your best to make it work. Marriage can be a inhalation or it can be a trap. She equates it {marriage} to a bird cage- if you leave the cage door open the bird is choosing to stay if you close the door the bird feels trapped. And how each person perceives it is all mental. I agree, but for me marriage is about opening the cage door and giving the bird the freedom to try flights it may not have tried before, because it now has a co-pilot or companion to make the trek with them, and a place to come back to.

So I have established that I agree with marriage but when does it start? Does the act of standing in front of people and declaring this series of promises start something that shacking up, and starting a family doesn't? I guess for me its a spiritual matter. I need to tell my Creator what my intentions are, and ask her blessing. Which is why I need to go to a place I know I feel close to God. I don't have a church home I hold close and go to because I know God is waiting for me there, but everytime I see the ocean I always feel the presence of God. So that's why getting married in Jamaica was so important to me.

So I guess I've answered all the questions I had about getting married. Funny how writing it down clears all kinds of things up for you.

may write again later today.. may not. Its been one of those days.


Anonymous Gerah said...

Great post. I felt the same way when I was about to get married - and I still feel like in a way, we only really did it for our families. Nothing really changed. If you truly love someone, you'll stay with them forever, and some ceremony isn't going to affect how that turns out.

7:10 AM  

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