I wanna try something so....

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

• The best blogging techniques.
• How to get traffic to your blog.
• How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

Still moved

There has been a spike in people visitng me here lately - and I know I acidently put a few posts up afterI mentioned my blog move so

just so you know - I have moved to

http://blaquepen.com/wobl

see you over there -

everything I ever wanted to say about my parenting

Rachel Mckibbens i broke the link before, I didn't mean to, i put it back to fix it...

movin on up - to the east side - to the DEEE lux apartment in the SKYYY Hi Hi

Okay you guys knew it was coming – I have officially moved to my new blog home –

http://blaquepen.com/wobl/

that’s right- I am on my path to become a Wise Old Black Lady aka WOBL and my new blog home shall serve as a recording to all those who come after me and my quest to train the one after me. Cammy is my own personal WOBL in training.

This is gonna be interesting.

See you over at the new digs

Meme time!!!!

I have been tagged by Jaelithe, the irony is she tagged me because I hadn’t blogged in weeks, we hadn’t spoken in a while, funny thing is I see her little glowing green light on Google chat all the time and think I would just be bothering her and I posted a blog entry yesterday.
*note – Gmail is worth using for the chat feature alone, if you have not converted to Gmail, I highly recommend it.
** Jerry has a new blog – http://blaquepen.com/epicblackvillainy update your bookmarks and check out my nifty attempt at lovin’ my husband via pixels and html. Yes I fixed up him a new template. Its not done, but it ain’t half bad either.
 
On to the Meme
Five things (some) people (probably) don't know about me:

Hmmm…. Let us see…

1. Every man I have had a serious relationship with has proposed marriage. That my friends, is my only dating claim to fame. They all want to keep me at some point. Never mind that that list is only three guys deep. That’s three marriage proposals. How many chicks can say that?!?! However the only one worth getting was the one I accepted. (collective awwwww)


2. I can juggle. And draw. And paint. This bullet should really be that I have a ton of useless talents. But I’m not sure that I hadn’t told you all this before at some point.  Lets see I can pick up things with my toes. I have a photographic memory for random items ONLY. This will come in handy when Cammy starts losing strange things like her favorite polka dot sock, which I will know is in the toy box next to the kick ball under that homework she didn’t finish. See random useless talents.


3. I’m way cooler by blog than I am in real life. I meet people who I’ve met via internets and they are always like you were way cooler via e-mail/blog/internets – even the husband said it once or twice.


4. I hate designated gift giving holidays except for my birthday. I like the holiday and the celebrating I just don’t like the mandatory gift giving. Like this upcoming Christmas, I’m glad we are not giving gifts. I would much rather get a gift because somebody was thinking of me and saw something that reminded tehm of me or thought I would like or anything like that rather than they felt obligated to go in to hock in December. Now on birthdays I think both the mother and the child should get gifts, and all children should give their parents a thank you gift. Cause a birthday is YOUR holiday for to celebrate YOU – and that’s cool. But valentines day – and all those other random ones, should be designated gifts for kids only.


5. I read cheesy romance novels. My husband thinks its cause he’s not romantic enough… Hey if it gets him to work herder in the romance dept that reason enough to keep them around, however I just like em. They are like lifetime movie channel for my brain with out the TV part. I read big ones little ones, harlequin, silhouette, Abercrombie or Arabesque or what ever the one owned by BET is. I got a soft spot for Nora Roberts. When I was a kid like early teens I had a thing for Danielle Steel. The best Christmas present I had one year my mom gave like six Danielle Steel hard covers, I was SOOOO EXCITED. I think its where I get to let out my inner girly girl. Cause I only just started to do pink.

And that my dears is the Meme. Tagging Spoken, and Jerry cause shoot I wanna.

no title - just back

It has been a long time people.

I have missed  you, I have no acceptable excuses for my absence. My family life has been hectic. Work is… well, work. And it has been a long month.
My sisters wedding went well. As flawless as can be expected. At the end of the day the things that were forgotten (like the autograph frame) and other mindless hic-ups were just that hic-ups and was a nice, nice day. Will post pictures once I get them from the photographer.  So now I got a new brother. And instant nephews. What does one buy for a nine year old? I know the deal on the one year old, but I have no clue on the nine year old.
Which brings me to Christmas. Tis the most wonderful time of the year. I am excited about it this year. And I have no idea why, our families have decided against exchanging gifts for the adults, so its not the prospect of receiving really cool stuff. I think part of it is my anticipation of Cammy’s wonder. Everything is so new and cool to her, and the idea of waking up and finding cool stuff under the tree is way cool to her, the wonder is real and she’s such a good kid. This is the first year where she can really grasp that there is cool stuff and that its for her. So I’m gonna do the whole wrapping thing, which I normally don’t do at all. And if time will allow – I want to make a day trip to Chicago and pick up some stuff from Ikea, for her room. She likes Cammy sized stuff. And Ikea has TONS of Cammy sized stuff, for Mommy sized prices. Besides – that means me and the hubby can stop for Ginos East while we are there. We haven’t done that since before she was born. So I am making my list and checking it twice, and focusing on my house still as my project. If I do one thing at a time, I will probably get this going the way we are supposed to.
I bought a lamp yesterday for my bedroom, and a alarm clock. It is the first  furnishing I have bought for our home since we moved in FIVE YEARS AGO. Even then we only bought what he HAD to have, like the couch, and a dining room table, and a desk. That’s typically the way things get done around here– what has to be done. But I’m changing my M.O. I’m working on getting past what has to be done and into what we want to do, I’m no longer gonna allow for ends to just meet, we are gonna tie a nice little bow with them things too!
Cammy is well into school. She no longer cries when I drop her off (yea!!!!!) she gives me a kiss and a hug tells me she’ll see me at five thirty, and is off to play with her friends. We talk about school everyday and what she learned and what she likes and doesn’t. Who her friends are – how they play. She is doing GREAT at the potty training at school, average at home. She’s talking and writing and trying to read. She knows the difference between a horse and a donkey, and other similar animal combos.
She was sick for a week and she really missed school a lot, I think that was the turning point for us and school. She was so excited to be back.
I completely avoided the black Friday shopping, I didn’t even venture from my house until Saturday late to return my blender to Bed Bath and Beyond- who I happen to love, I got a new kitchen aid blender.
*Kitchen toy note to self, I need to stop trying other brands and just go with what works, buy a kitchen aid, I’ve tried Black and Decker, CuisinArt, all manor of diffent brands only to be back at the store in two months returning it and buying a kitchen aid. EVERY TIME.

Cammy and I hung out at Toys R Us so I could get a good idea of what she is gonna enjoy on Christmas.
*Christmas Shopping now- what does it say about society that parents were out with their eight year olds asking them what they wanted for Christmas and then BUYING IT RIGHT THEN. No Christmas morning magic, no surprise, no money got tight trickery - then chistmas morning wonder – none of that. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE!!!

Moving on – my husband turned domestic king this weekend and made the bestest quiches ever, which I am munching on today for lunch at work.  One with Crawfish and another Lorraine quiche. He also made biscuits and apple butter. YUM.

My good good friend has been gone for quite a while, we miss you sea hag #3!!! She should be back soon. Life is so much easier when you have your friends around.

I have been excessively tired for a while. Btu I still got a lot to do – no time for sitting still. I gotta get my dad in my house to get some work done. Next item up – Cammy’s floor. I think I want to replace the hard wood, see if I can find 100 sq feel of flooring on the cheap. Maybe I should just apply to Extreme home makeover. But no body has died, we don’t have any major illnesses, unless they count crazy – which would be eccentric if we had money. Who knows. After that last one with the family with the catering business – I am so gonna think about it, cause that kitchen was off the banger.

Anyway I am back as much as I can figure right now – so I’ll be posting again soon.

dads don't baby sit

c'babi
Originally uploaded by raquita.

A while back I told you guys that my favorite artist EVER was C'babi Bayoc. Well he still is. But I have had the pleasure of meeting him on several occasions, and have recently started being a little more active in my active appreciation of his work. I also have the honor of calling he and his wife friends, and neighbors. Which is an even greater honor than owning his work. They are wonderful parents, their couple is beautiful, and their family is awesome. they are the kind of couple we try to keep around to keep us honest, and aware of our life, they are like a reflection I use to remember, in general. He keeps a myspace page, and a blog and has taken on a great cause which as a black woman I hold very very close to my heart, the reafrimation of the black family.
so many media outlets fail to portray black families with the most essential peice, I beleive, in tact and active - the black father. Most are at best portayed as absentee breadwinners, glorified babysitters used only when mom has lost her marbles and sex is about to become a lost artifact in the relationship. and in reality while too many of our families are incomplete, there are so many fathers who are being daddy, and do so well. men like Jerry and C'babi (a father of three) give me hope everyday that we as a people will get better, that everyday, a daddy steps to the plate and makes a difference in his child and his womans life. I would like to give a quick side note shout out to Greys Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes for giving us a good look at a black man being the pig, committed like ham on last weeks episode.
anyway back to my point. C'babi is also at the for front of this fight and while is audience isn't as big as greys anatomy's yet, I have faith that it will be. He has started a new mission to show communities what men honoring their families look like, and he has started a new website called dads don't babysit, which showcases dads in their element as fathers. This is easily my favorite collection of his work, this father series, please stop by, if you know anyone with an abandoned building he is wanting to use the boarded windows and doors as canvas, so we can plant the right images in our kids and oru adults heads. Sometime I think we forget too. Shoot, I would abandon my house to have him paint on it - if Jerry wouldn't freak out about being homeless. so please send this information to any building owners you may know. And stop by his site, and leave words of enouragement and if you are feeling the mission, spread the word on your site as well.

First day of school

imgp7567
Originally uploaded by raquita.

Well.
You went, you screamed.
and then had a AWESOME day!! You teacher was so impressed! when we got there you were still playing and writing on the chalk board, jumping from thing to thing.
You are killing me with the Mommy don't leave in the morning. but The best way for us all to deal with that - is for daddy to do with walk in to drop you off, and for us both to go in the evening to pick you up. you learned about November, and thank you (like we don't already have the thank you thing down)
You didn't eat alot at lunch - but they aren't catering to your every culinary whim, how do you tell a school you kid is used to Pad Thai, and rosemary chicken so they shouldn't expect you to be too enthused about canned ravioli? you are still real big on the kid basics however, pizza and hamburgers.
you napped well, right on time, and you were your bright and beautiful self, although you did scratch you nose, and are fighting off a cold.
I am going to get on the ball and start scrapbooking ALOT MORE. there are so many moments we should have organised and documented.
congradulations Cammy, you are a offical Big Girl!!

*will post on wedding later!

Stream of consciousness

Stream of consciousness…

You guys remember a few weeks ago I posted a post when I was trying out wordpress and dual blogging here I posted about women and friends? You remember don’t cha?
Went all on about women and how difficult it can be to be a woman amongst women.
Yeah? Well, one of the girls I went to high school with and mentioned by name googled her self and guess who’s website was listed as number 1? Yeah, exactly.  (why did I mention her by her actual name I have no idea, any of them really.)
But she, well, I’ll reprint her post here since she left it.

Hi Raquita,  I just happened to google my name on the internet to see what I came up with.  And to my surprise my name came up on your page.  After reading your blog on 'women, friends and trust' I feel ashamed of the pain that I caused you when we where in high school.  Never in a million years would I have thought my name would be linked to such cruel, mean, and unkind feelings.  Today, I pride myself on helping others and being a great resource for my friends and family.  I volunteer my time for such organizations as Junior Achievement and anything else that has to do with bettering the lives of children.  The truth of the matter is, I was a very self conscious girl in high school and was dealing with my own poor self esteem/image (if you remember I wasn’t the smallest girl @ RGHS either – and my hair wasn’t the longest).  I let people influence me (I was weak).  Fitting in was much easier.   None of this is an excuse for the way I made you feel.  I just want you to know some of the reasons behind my actions.  I will say to you today, I’m sorry that I caused you to not trust women.  I apologize for all the harsh words, looks, or anything else that made you uncomfortable and feel bad.  When I saw you at the 10 year reunion, I was so happy to see you with your family.  I mentioned to several people afterward who did not get a chance to attend that you had a beautiful daughter and seemed very happy.(image placeholder)  To answer your question, you’ve never done anything to me.  Perhaps you were the target so I wouldn't be.  When I think of Raquita Jones, I think of the girl with the camera who took the best year book pictures ever (I was only ). In earlier years, I remember Raquita as the girl who was an(second to you  absolute fan of Janet Jackson and toted the scrap book around of her. Oh and also of the girl who got along with most guys in school.  I remember a boy I was dating came home and told me he played basketball with you and you were really good.  Never could I make a connection like that with a boy.  I admired that you could be friends with guys and not have to date them.   So please accept my apology.  I know that it cannot undo what happened when we were teenagers but I hope it will help you to know that I was hurting too.  Not in the exact same way but hurting none the less.  I cannot speak for the others but, I hope that you will forgive me.  I want to be as blessed as you are one day to have a daughter as beautiful as Cammy.  I will make sure that I share this story with her to ensure that there will be no repeat offenders in my family.   I hope that now when you think of Pauletta Whitehorn you will remember something good as well.Sincerely,Pauletta Whitehorn

I sent a note of apology as well, as  I shouldn’t have posted their actual names and will go back and edit that and make that right. My note of apology read

I would like to apologize as well, I never should have put your actual name in that post, it never occurred to me that anyone who I went to high school  would ever run across it. and I will remove yours and the others as I don't want people to google your name and come across it either.
high school was a long time ago, and it has been far too long to still hold grudges. I assure you I don't hold any, although I will admit the scars are still there.
We were all just girls trying to figure out our way into womanhood. no one ever said any of the walk would be easy. It amazes me still when you ask people what they remember how different the memories could be. You were so strong to me. at the time I thought you could see my insecurity and that was transgression enough. You were a great photographer, between you and (the other girl who took pictures with us in high school)  (never tell her I thought you were better than her too)  I was always very proud of the work we did in those classes.
This post came on a difficult little stretch - trying to figure how to give Cammy everything she needs, all the tools I can, how to make it easier, stop the scars, use my past to better her future. Explain to my other friend so she could see, too. So please accept my apology as well. 
 Hopefully we can both use these experiences to better the kids we come in contact with, I promise I wouldn’t change a thing about high school - or I would have never come to Jerry and Cammy. That is a trade I would never make, and I'm sure you have beautiful children in your future, maybe we can think play date one day?

Raquita

Lo and behold the power of the internets and a blog.

random thought on my faith

I wish I went to this guys church, and I’m not real big on church. But if I could find a local church that went with this process I probably would go more often.

http://www.whchurch.org//whchurch/pdfs/2006-07-30_NYTimes.pdf

I am pro life, in general and we disagree on some little things, but man – he’s got me on the big ones.

Cammy journaling #2 - princess Camille

imgp7448
Originally uploaded by raquita.

So Cammy, you are two years four months and roughly six days old.
You are talking up a storm. Our days are filled with conversation with you and sometimes it catches up off guard.
You ask “What cha doing?” a lot. You are saying whole statements like “I would like some candy please.” And “I am watching baseball with my daddy.” You also call out touchdown during football games. You are still really, really attached to your binky, stating the other day with your granny. “ I must have it have to go back for it granny!!” when you left it at church.
You are talking to me about the things we watch on TV, we have discussed the rat and the dog fight on lady and the tramp. And what a baby is, and why its so amazing. Your Disney movie obsession is going strong. Currently we are watching Fox and the Hound (more puppies) although we start it after the mother gets killed, again. We talk about how important it is to be true friends, and treat people the way you want to be treated. You like to cook with me. I love to cook with you. We are good friends. We have a good time. You have started paying attention to my stern voice better. You have spurned a set bed time. Although you are set to your bed time routine. We MUST read a story or two, where the wild tings are, and god gave us you, are in heavy rotation. Corduroy books and books with flaps are favorites too. you are brushing your teeth all by your self, and barely need a boost to rinse anymore. You run like the dickens when its time for pajamas but you will say you are ready for bed and take my hand to help you get ready. You will be starting school soon. I’m a little nervous but I think we have found a good place for you. We are excited for you!
You are gonna be the flower girl in TiTi’s wedding. We are practicing with your multiple holloween costumes. And watching my little sister get married gives me glimpses of what it will be like to watch you marry, and watching you walk down the isle – as the flower girl, is by far going to be the highlight of my day.
You are officially our little lady. No longer a baby. Even when I cradle you like Darling cradles her baby and you laugh when I sing to you, you are only a baby in my memories. My little baby girl.

Tuesday - its not monday

I tell you.
I’m feelin better.
I’m not moving around enough still. But the home is slowly coming together. Cammy’s school situation is coming to ahead. We’ve got a pretty good idea of what we want for Cammy, finding a place that fills those needs has proven challenging in our current budget. The funny thing is, Jerry and I are in the catch-22 level of finance. Just enough income to get NO HELP at all. We make too little to be financially secure, and to much to qualify for many programs designed to help get your kid into the school you want but can’t afford. I’m screwed cause I’m not jacked up. Thanks mom.  
Anyway, Jerry and I are learning the dance. I’m learning when to step in, when to back out. Its not as cut and dry as I had expected.
You know when you are young, you have all these dreams and expectations about marriage and men. You watch princess movies, and bad TV dramas, romantic comedies,  and you think you know what you want, what to expect. And then you grow up. And boys, don’t turn into the men we dreamed up. We do our damnedest to turn into the characters on TV, the princesses, ladies, the perfect blend of Claire Huxtable and Foxy Brown (that was my personal aim).  But the fellas, it never occurs to them – the majority – to be prince charming when they grow up, their mommas just want them to be ‘nice boys’.
Lucky bastards.
And then you think you’ve figured it out. You get your heart broken and while you are putting yourself back together you think – man, I’ve seen the light. I got a idea of how this works now, I got the dance down.  And you do the dance, get better at not getting broken – hopefully, and finally find somebody who you like to do the dance with.
You dance to the alter and figure out the song has changed, and the dance steps are a little different. And they keep changing. And your music interpretation is changing and so is his, so you gotta get him to tell you what he’s hearing and tell him what you are hearing. So everybody is stepping on two.
Well anyway, we are dancing together. I’m learning when to let him solo, when he needs me to, how to help him lead, how to support my frame, how to quick step, fox trot, and I like it. I like that we have some semblance of structure developing. Funny the same things they tell you children need to feel secure – grownups need too. Go figure.

I really want to take those dance classes I was talking about a few months ago.
Total side thought.
I went to visit a dance school. My husband will read this and go, “when did you do that?!?!”
A girl’s gotta have some kinda secrets.
I think I want some painting lesions for Christmas, my favorite artist gives lessons.
There is a easel I think I’m gonna pick up for my craft room.
My husband got a new suit for my sisters wedding, if he looks as good as I expect him too, I swear if we get through the whole day with out me ripping off his clothes I will have done my duty.

women friends and trust

a girl and her NeNe
Originally uploaded by raquita.

As a woman I have always had friend issues. Trust issues. Afraid of being back stabbed. Always hearing my name amongst whispers in the hallway. Being the brunt of name calling. Guys, never had a problem with the guys in school, in life, didn’t catch a whole lot of flack unless they happened to be with a girl who was into giving me shit.
And there were a few Jennifer Wells, Pauletta Whitehorn, Trinette Jones, who gave me more than enough grief in high school. Their names stained in my brain, faces stamped in my nightmares for years. I remember trying to figure out why, I was the target. What transgression I had inflicted, what had I ever done to them?
It never really mattered, if you asked them now, they probably couldn’t tell you what my crime had been. At work recently, a co-worker recalled a girl who she and her friends made fun of constantly – her transgression – her eye brows. How she chose to wear her eye brows. I am ashamed that I didn’t call her on why that was a justifiable offense, when she has a two year old daughter she is raising right now. And I wonder if my daughter will have to face her child, and defend something as trivial as her eyebrows. So alas maybe they can remember. But it doesn’t matter it just made it hard for me to trust women in general. Made me question anybody who had something to say that was nice or kind, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to hear what they really thought. There were days where I snapped and kept the line relatively drawn. There were subjects you didn’t touch. Days I just wasn’t in the mood.
And it didn’t hurt that I wasn’t small. I was 5’7” 150lbs and on the basketball team. I was fit, and not afraid of being physical. But self conscious and thought I was a blimp. But I wasn’t trying to be suspended. In my school suspension (i.e. days absent) reflected on your grades, and I didn’t have any grades or days to spare.
Then I met Candy.
We were Sophomores I think. She was in band. She was pretty. And Smart. And just as damaged as I was. She was church mouse quiet. But a blast to hang out with. She and the group of friends we quilted together Curtis, John, Candy, Myself, Johns girlfriend, later my boyfriend, and sister and my sisters friend who then became John’s second girlfriend.
And I remember this because I remember how that group of people, especially Candy got me through those last years of high school. And I remember how devastated I was when she walked away.
She got pregnant when we were in college together. She had actually left me long before that but she seriously stopped talking to me then. Our friendship as teetered off and on since then, most days me waiting for her to need me, miss me, call me. Me calling because I need her, miss her, and my God daughter. They live just far enough away that I can’t just stop by and take them to lunch. She’s had a second child. She’s still the smart one, still pretty, still the one I look at with wonder. The distance by car seems to equal the one in our relationship, long when you think about it, but actually kinda short once you drive it.
I mention all of this because my currently best friend, Spoken, blogs too, she will read this when I post it to wordpress, I have mentioned her in many a post, good ones, and not so good ones. But she is my ace. There no matter what. Our friendship has been stretched, pulled, and pushed, taken its lumps but she is still here.
We are fundamentally different, yet the same. I feel safe in our friendship. She’s got to cut down the cursing with my kid around. And I think my kid picked up “Stupid ______!!!” from her. Which caught my attention when it was “stupid mommy”. But other wise…
I don’t believe she is just going to disappear. In the beginning I did. But slowly, surely, we have crafted something, solid, that will not simply be put away. For me it was simply a matter of wanting a friend more than I wanted to not be hurt. Things happened at all the right times I guess. I had recently had it out with Candy about the state of that friendship. And I had come to peace with it. Misunderstandings were understood, and I came to accept what she could offer me as my friend, and let go of what we used to be to each other. So when Spoken came, actually she was given to me, I was alright with the relationships with the other women in my life. My mother and I are closer than we have been since I was – shoot twelve. I am so close to my Aunt. My sister is my hands down absolute BEST FRIEND on the planet, the way your sister should be, in that cheesy TV sitcom kinda way. But Spoken she came and gave me what I was missing. Someone who honestly chooses to be your friend. And if I were to die tomorrow, I believe Spoken would be there to tell Cammy who I was. In ways that Jerry and my sister would not think to say, she would remember the things I would want Cammy to know, that I don’t know to tell anyone so they know.
And I the post I’ve linked to previously Spoken talks a little bit about how hard it is to share thing with me, because she values my opinion, and doesn’t want to disappoint me. That she envies my life and my relationship with my family.
What she doesn’t know is as much as I love my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
I envy hers as well.
Spoken is honestly one of the most honest – at least when she’s being honest with her self – brutally honest people I know. My mother is the only other person I know who doesn’t even own gloves to take off, that’s how real they keep it.
She is honorable. And she has this awesome work ethic I hope she helps me instill in Cammy. She is smart. And talented. She speaks several languages, plays classical cello, and is single and free to do anything and go any where. She wasn’t afraid to leave her family and go. My biggest wish is that she trusted me enough to play for us.
But I envy her freedom, not in a I would trade what I have for it, but - I wish I had it too - way.
The funny thing is she’s seen my yard up close, she knows where the brown spots are and how much work it takes to keep my grass green. Its grass, my special mix of grass seed that works for my yard. Granted I use a special fertilizer, made by that family she envies. But its no greener than any other yard. And I know the grass is not greener in her yard. I’ve seen hers up close, its green, just not greener than my grass. She makes my grass greener.
So what I want to say to you Spoken, is ours is not to envy as individuals, because you have been instrumental in my world it would not be what it is with out you, and I hope yours with out me.
Yes I want you to relax and be happy and have fun, because I remember what it was when I was in your exact place, and regret is not something I want you to find after you settle down. My regrets are few and very far between, mostly because I chose to live! and I am still trying to hold that choice close to me. Enjoy the life you have been blessed with, ENJOY it. You do not get extra time later. Today is what you will remember tomorrow. This is what scares me for you, if I was ever to be disappointed, that would be why. If you live and die with regrets – real ones not the silly ones we spot in the middle of the night over Greys reruns, that would make me sad. Make it count, Spoken.

love thursday

my sister....
Originally uploaded by raquita.

this is my sister trying on dresses for her wedding in November. She is the reason my posts will be rather sporadic for a litte while bu tit seemed like a fitting love thursday post cause I love when she looks this happy.

I do not love you....

I do not love you
-pablo neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose,
or topaz,or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret,
between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep


My husband used to read this to me in Spanish and English. Usually during intimate moments between us, physical or not, in the quiet of midnights, even now I can close my eyes and remember his voice pressing against me, my hands holding us still and the breeze from the books pages. My mother asked me for love quotes, my sister asked me for poems, and this is the one I think of every time they asks me, and I thought if I posted it here, I could let my husband see that I remember, I remember all of it.