Thursday, July 06, 2006

Welcome home, Man of the house

Originally uploaded by raquita.
My husbands patience has worn thin with our living situation, however I truly believe my mother’s random questions did not help the situation – I am most worried about this crowded house damaging my relationship with my hubby,We are fighting though right now,a nd that's all I can pray for. But I am most proud of the stand he took with everybody and said exactly how he feels.
Starting with me

We went to lunch the other day and J, told me how he was feeling and what he was thinking, and I was glad to hear it. Some times I wonder if he is just rolling along or if he wants to live this life with me. It was refreshing to have him, say HEY!!! Listen to my point. He said what he wanted to see change and had a gathering of the extra people to say exactly how he feels, he pulled no punches, just said what he thought and that was that. I was very proud of him, now we have to see if the extra people take what he has said to heart.
Jerry is, and has always been the ying to my yang. I’ve very forceful at times, for instance last night I told my brother I would seriously beat his arse if he continued to disrespect my grandmother. Seriously. And if he wanted to test that theory he should say one more disrespectful thing right now.

He didn’t.

Jerry said, I don’t care what you really think, in my house this is the way it is. He said it very, very calmly. He’s the good cop to my bad cop. I have learned that Jerry isn’t gonna have a lot to say, my brother pointed out that this is just one more way that J is like my dad. Not gonna get excited, not trying to yell. Just rolling with it. Me I’m a force of nature. Moving things, bending, pushing, pulling, my element is fire, Jerry’s is water.

My brother is like sand. Thin and grainy yet trying to become something dramatic like glass. We were talking and he kept saying how unsupportive our family has been about his coming out – if I hadn’t mentioned it my brother is gay - and that really pisses me off. Why? Because my brother came out roughly six years ago, and while it was not easy for everyone to swallow. He is welcome and his partners have always been welcome. And for him to sit in front of his partner whose family has disowned him and say his family hasn’t been supportive is a crock of bull.
We just won’t “support” you, i.e. you need to be able to pay your own bills and live your own life, present situation excluded. And no matter how he chooses to live his life, we as individuals are allowed to have moral and life choices about what we will and won’t allow in our homes. My mother doesn’t allow any of her children to have sex in her home before marriage. My brother and his partner are clearly not married, so why should the rule be different for you cause you are gay? If he were straight would he and his partner be married, probably not, they can’t afford an apartment – let alone a wedding.
And these are the points I’m constantly trying to get my brother to understand. Being gay doesn’t get you a free pass by the rules that are a part of adult life. I always thought my mom was blurring the line between being his parent and his friend. Allowing things she NEVER would have let me get away with, my sister either for that matter. And now she has decided to redraw the boundaries she will allow in he home. Which I totally understand and support, it is how my brother ended up at my house. My father is very clear on how he feels about my brothers lifestyle, he loves my brother, and accepts the “lifestyle that he has chose” my dad’s words – but will not allow any display of that lifestyle in his home. Rocky is welcome there, could even live there, but my father is not open to that level of acceptance. And I think that is okay. I think for the black community to have SUCH a phobia about homosexuality that for this to be his situation he’s blessed. And should be working to quell the rest of the insecurities not pissed because all is not fixed today.
Me personally, I don’t particularly care to see to straight people making out heavy, it makes me uncomfortable to see straight couples over display, I think it’s a statement of insecurity, and while not disgusting to me, my feelings about gay pda are the same. I don’t mind affection between two people, I just prefer not to watch you drape all over your partner. I wasn’t allowed to drape all over my dates/boyfriends in front of my parents, and Cammy certainly won’t be allowed to either. Jerry and I don’t drape now, we got an apartment for that. So why is this so different for him? You wanna drape, get an apartment. My brother take this as an affront or our families not supporting his life style that we won’t watch him display his affection.

Lately I just wanna shake the S#!^ out of my siblings.

Here is the question of the day, is the Gay rights movement equal to civil rights movement? In my personal opinion yes. But what do you think?


Blogger Jaelithe said...

The civil rights movement affected more people, and I think it affected many people's daily lives a bit more profoundly (after all, you can hide being gay in most situations, but it's impossible to hide being black, unless you happen to be a mixed-race person who is light enough to pass for white).

But I see all movements towards tolerance as part of the same current of social change, and they are based on the same ideals-- accepting, understanding, and appreciating the superficial differences between people rather than fearing those differences, or using them as supposed justification to exploit or oppress others.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Queue said...

I agree the civil right movement affected more people but I don't think tha thte numbers are what made it more profund, but that is was the first of its kind in this country since the revolutionary war, and the longest internal battle in the US to date, I beleive. Starting from the first revolt of slaves, to lets say fifteen years after the death of MLK.

(I'm not at all saying the work is done on the civil rights movement, but we don't have a solid movement or leaders at this particular point - and if we did perhaps they would address the gay issue the way they should have addressed womens rights and did not - but that is another post ~ can you tell I've been reading Bell Hooks?)

11:21 AM  
Blogger StLmom said...

The gay rights movement is, in some ways equal. The difference is that some folks have decided that religion has something to do with sexual orientation. Also, it's much more difficult to disguise your race than your orientation (not that gay people should have to hide it, but it's a private matter, unlike skin color, yes?).All people should have the same rights. It amazes me that this generation is still dealing with these issues, and will likely continue to do so.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

The thing that makes Black People wary of the Gay Rights movements is 1) a well organized progaganda campaign organized by the conservative religious right in this country that wants to wedge black voters into their camp, and 2) The general desire to keep the 'victim' status that allows many black people to underachieve without guilt. THis may sound harsh and Cosby-ish but its true. This is a reason why there is such enmity between blacks and newly-arrived hispanics and immigrants in this country. For the longest time, black people were THE minority. You hear the word racism and you IMMEDIATELY think of white people stringing up negro's like pinatas or White's Only signs in front of bathrooms. We, as black people, OWNED racism, and Prejudice, and Minority status, and asians, hispanics and pacific islanders and native americans were just hangers on.

Not so anymore.

On a completely other topic, I think alot of how one feels about homosexuality has to do with how one feels about it being a choice or not. IF you believe being gay is a simple choice, like being studious or not, then it follows that being gay is easily a sin that can be avoided. You CHOOSE to be attracted to that man or woman.

BUT...If you believe (as I firmly do) that being homosexual isnt a choice but something you are born with (like being right or left handed) then it's no more of a sin than being, right or left handed. Of course, that didnt stop people from burning left handed people at the stake for witchcraft (folks was real quick to burn a fool for craziness back in the day, werent they?).

I've even read that homosexuality is natures way of gradually combating exploding overpopulation in a species, and that homosexuality is exhibited in most mammals.

And Gay Marriage? I think they should be allowed. I dont think its an affront to marriage and it doesnt make my marriage worth any less than some couple divorcing after 6 months or the practice of Hour long marriages in Islam to get aroudn the whole 'sex before marriage is a no-no' clause in the Koran. I say, they have every right to be as miserable as everybody else! HA!


ps. It drives me crazy when Rocky says that his family doesnt support him too. Not a single member of my family showed up for my wedding and I have a hell of a time getting them to show up for family events or even their granddaughters birthdays. He doesn't understand what 'Not supportive' really means. I mean, truly, he has been insulated from the stupid choices he has made in his life (none of which involves him being gay, and all of them involve him being stupid). I feel the same way about John. I mean, FUCK, the guy's got a full ride to a Taledega for four years, screws that up, has an opportunity to go to WashU for free (his mother worked there at the time) and doesnt do that and is now selling drugs to get cash in his pocket since he doesnt have a job?!?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? Every time I think about it I get mad because there are thousands of young men in STL alone that would KILL to be able to have these opportunities. Such a waste...

1:37 PM  
Anonymous TiTo said...

I love your blog today. See I'm reading it. I like that your so honest about your family issues. As Bernie Mac once said, "Some of ya'll got f*cked up family members too". I would like to go on the record as saying that I love Rocky. I love him because he is so freaking fabulous.I fell in love with him the first time I meet him. There was something so familiar about him that I was missing some how. It didn't take me long to figure it out. I am reminded of my brother Stevie today. I just want to point out something regarding this situation. My youngest brother Steve (Stevie or Tweety Bird as he was affectionately named) was gay. Not only was he gay but he was a drag queen as well. Chaka Khan was his drag of choice. I have 7 brothers, one sister and a queen. My brother was hit by a car and died when he was 21 years young and I was 9 at the time. I was old enough to remember him, old enough to feel loss and old enough to remember my father making a production out of beating the sh*t out of him. He always made sure that he had an audience when he did it. He always made sure my brother felt humiliated at least once a day, every day. Rocky I want you to remember one thing. Your walk will always be a harder walk than mine. It is your choice to make it a hard and lonely walk or just hard. I wish I could be as eloquent as Quita but I'm just me so that's what you get. My point is that your family is at the very least speaking to you. They love you and support you. YOUR father hasn't tried to beat the "gay" out of you like my dad did to my brother. I miss my brother all the time and wish he were here for make-up tips, conversation, cooking tips, brother tips, fella tips whatever. You get to smile, laugh, cry, triumph and fail with your family and sister. Embrace your family Rocky cause they are who you got. That's it. Embrace the good and the bad the same way that you embrace yourself, your choice, your boyfriend and everything else you hold dear. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. Love each other now before all you have left is a bunch of memories you write about in your friends blog. Marinate on that. Embrace that.

8:45 PM  
Blogger tAnYeTTa said...

Hello from California! I'm not sure how I found your blog. Glad I did though.

Our husbands are very similar in that they say exactly what's on their minds, no fireworks, no yelling, cussing, actin a foo all up in the house, just says exactly what's on their mind, etc...Then that's that. LOVE IT!

p.s. my friend kelli once told me that family and fish always stink after three days and they need to be put out. LOL

2:47 AM  
Blogger Kira said...

yes, i do think it is equivalent.
as for the PDA, i think holding hands and a few small little pecks are fine for anybody with a significant other. that is what my husband and I do, and i think that is reasonable but that is just me. :)

11:18 PM  

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