Monday, May 09, 2005

Lesson # 9635

1) Listen to your gut instincts -- don't over-analyze.

2) Count your blessings.

3) Be happy about "good enough" and don't worry that you might not have achieved the absolute maximum level of happiness.

4) Regret less.

5) Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side, and don't take it as a sign that you've made the wrong choice.

6) Avoid conversations about your choices with people who don't follow the above rules.

Or as our grandparents might have said "you pays your money, and you takes your choices."

Is this five lessons or just one? And because I have learned this lesson I have decided to actually lock my hair. I was torn by this decision on many levels. Let me expound.

First and Fore most a bit of history. My hair and I have never been close. It doesn't like me, I have never been real fond of it, it has been this way forever. I never learned the hair lessons my sister did, I was always too busy doing being going to actually care how I looked when I got there. And I regret that. Hate that my mom gave up on me so early. But I forced her position, it was either that or sacrifice another notch in our already teen riddled relationship. And the popularity of Jeri Curls and a unfortunate accident I don't remember left me bald during my early adolescence, and made this the easy choice for both of us. Anyway. Back to my hair. For those of non sympathetic races who are unaware. Hair is a very different beast for black women, As much I love rain, in my Relaxer days you could not catch me outside during a rain storm, not an issue for most other races texture. We don't wash our hair daily - the oils stripped from our hair, and the heat required to manage our chose look would do more damage than good. I found I was allergic to synthetic hair so most braiding was out, and I was never handy with a curling iron or pressing comb. I more than got issues, I got hair subscriptions.

So here I am with puffy big hair. I got through the first 4 years of the millennia with head wraps and the occasional braid (breakouts included) But now I am a mommy. My daughter, with the same hair I cannot deal with on my head smiles up at me pleading that I not comb her hair, and throws her ten month old tantrum when I do. She has since birth, since the VERY BEGINNING, threw that fit at two days old. She didn't like it one bit, and I hate it when she scream bloody murder as if I am killing her by placing my hand on her head - never mind her reaction to her hair actually being combed. I comb my hair with her to show her its alright but it has been to no avail so far. She screams and my heart tugs and it is decided I have to be her hair show, her hair model, and I'm failing miserably, and locs I believe , are the cowards way out. I must be cute and kept at all times so she will believe that of herself. But then again they aren't the cowards way out because I don't believe she should always be meticulously kept. And why should I believe that locs cannot be meticulously kept? Why is what would work better for me and my self esteem is the wrong way? I don't believe that addressing my needs will invalidate what Cam needs and what I offer those needs. I don't believe it will stop me from learning how to take care of her in the best way I can. My not wearing diapers doesn't mean I can't take care of her needs while she is in diapers does it? I feel like on most days I have grabbed motherhood and we dance well together. And on the days where we don't dance so well I feel like Jerry cuts in okay. Anyway the hair.

Then it was like what gives me the right to spend 400 bucks on my hair? Of all things? We are buying a house and getting married and all kinds of things, and I get it in my head to spend that kinda of money on a hair do? I'd like to commit myself when I see it in print like this.

But the thing that made me decide to do it was - This is the only thing I have come back to time and time again. I have made several appointments with the artist who will lock my hair and she has been so patient with me on this - letting me come and go until now when I am ready to really do this. And I haven't done anything for me in such a long time, even if this is a very expensive mistake, it should be mine to make and I am grateful that I can. That my fiance who loves my hair is willing to let me risk it being the adventurous hair girl I used to dream of being, just this one more time.


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