Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Returning to Normal

Lately my days have been full of things to do; planning the wedding, buying the house, being a family, trying to plan ahead. I have spent many days feeling like an circus clown with too many balls juggling at once. I spend my days one of two ways - most normally I'm addressing all the maddness as it comes, dropping balls as necessary, hoping I don't lose them, hoping they don't break when dropped, hoping I don't drop the wrong one, trying to learn to juggle more. Or I simply lose all the balls and decide not to pick them back up today or the next untill I feel better able to juggle, becasue I can't just bounce one ball at a time.

Which is funny, because I used to be a basketball player, a guard. My focus one ball and the team. Focus on the play the coach has called, the execution, the completion of that one play - that was what was important. Knowing my role on the court, trusting my team to know their roles, taking advantage of bad defense by the opposition. And I was a good ball handler. I wasn't prone to losing my grip, or having my rock stolen. I wasn't killing them with my cross over mindyou, but I could thread a pass to the inside, I could see the court, I could find the zone. I was an ace at the free throw line, pretty good on the fast break, and I liked to play defense. Funny how I went from a baller to a clown, when I don't even really like the circus.

I guess it boils down to a very simple statement; I am over-committed and under-satisfied. And as all the thngs I HAVE to do begin to grab hold and become closer to done than not, I am looking at the balls coming and wonder if this would not be the best time to change the game. I am looking at all the balls in the air and at my feet and I wonder, If I change the game and pass the ball what will my team do?

The issue I think is I don't want to give up anything at all. I see that i'm not doing as well as I could be. I'm not mastering my domain - I'm being dominated by my domain. I don't want more time, I just want more control of the time I have. I want my team to huddle up, I want my coach to call plays, I want my team to execute, score and hustle back on defense. I want to get a minute on the bench every once in a while. I want to add exercising, scrapbooking regularly and build a herb garden . I want to call the right plays on finance, we're getting better I just want us to keep getting better. We're about to own the home we didn't decorate because we were going to buy soon so now I want to make it ours, spend days browsing stores for the right things for the right furniture for the right peice that fills in just right. I want to call my aunt and my sister more. Keep up with my brother better, let him know how proud I am of his decisions lately. I want to go back to school I want to spend more time at a church - somebodys church untill we find our own again, because coach likes it when we go to training camp.

I want to play life again, life as great game a pick up b-ball, with my team beside me.

I look around at my clown moments juggling and know we've done alright, we must being dong okay if I can see the chages I want to make and poisiton myself into them.

I must be alright if my team is still with me and trusts me to handle the ball.


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