Tuesday, April 26, 2005


Lately I have been going through my yearly self cleaning. I psycho-analyze myself, look at every nook and cranny, and figure how I can make my self better, stronger, smarter, more efficient, and ultimately happier than I was the year before. I avoid new years resolutions but on my birthday I think its fair to be self introspective. (Is that a word?) anyway, this year my hunt has been very varied, kinda like the house, ultimate success is inevitable, difficult but promised, but like the house, the elephant has stopped vanishing and now I have caught it.
One of my biggest fears in becoming a mommy was that I would lose my identity in becoming mom. That noone would remember my name, I would be forced to write mommy on those "hello my name is tags", and upon my marriage to her father which will take my own name and maybe what is left of my identity and replace it with his, will leave me as 'Mommy Henderson', when Raquita was so much cooler.
Not only was my name cooler, but I was cooler. As a single childless human I ran the gambit after I broke up with the boyfriend from highschool, I blossomed into quite the human. I wrote and performed poetry, took road trips when ever I thought about it, I was fierce. I dyed my hair bright red, and then shaved it when it suited me. I wore wrestling and soccer shoes because I liked them. I drove my mother crazy. My sister looked like a saint next to me. She the 'finance major with good grades from birth through college graduation' - me the 'got good enough grades to graduate high school and get into college' - then dropped out cause it costs to much and I needed to live some more. I have met wonderful people, from famous poets to poets who will be famous one day. I have genuine friends from that time, even if I don't see them as often as I should. And I am alright with that, I am glad of the life I have lived. I remember that fear of becoming MOM and in looking at my life now I know I wouldn't trade it for all the single life - sex in the city type diary entries in the world. and this time of introspection has shown me why.
I have learned to be a genuine friend to the people in my life. Friends call me Mamma Queue, and I think its kinda cool. I, and my family are home to so many people. They come to be comfortable in our space, because we work hard to keep peaceful energy in our home and they know they are welcome. I have loved and learned how to be the best lover that I can be today and know that I am still learning for tomorrow, J offers the best canvas for perfecting this part of me and I am glad the be the canvas he practices on. I have become a "we", a piece of a completed puzzle that grows bigger and more defined everyday that C learns something or figures out what a word means, or J becomes more comfortable with his role in our world, or I learn how to be better at this family thing. Because we are an official bonafide family. And that feels good. There are so many things I plan to do to make this year better than the last, they are not difficult things, not hard changes by any means but they will make our family better, they will make me better. And that's the goal isn't it? To everyday be better than you were yesterday. Love harder. Forgive easier. Be more honest with yourself. Be the woman you envy in your self. Do the things you wish you could, because you can. Know that you are your worst roadblock and vow to stop. Be the woman you want your daughter to grow into. Be the woman you want your son to marry, be the woman you want your husband to dream of. That is my goal for this year.
Everytime she churns those little chubby legs to get to me, everytime he pauses to watch us play, every time she stops to watch us kiss, it reminds me how connected we are and how blessed we are to have each other. So long live Mommy Henderson, I may not be as cool as I used to be but I wasn't Mom, or wife then either, and this me is way cool enough.


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