Monday, March 13, 2006

too much man not enough do it yourself books

It has been a LONG weekend,
When your weekend includes someone asking “you’re not gonna blog about this are you?” you know its been longer than it really needed to be.
We spent a lovely easy day in the park on Saturday. Found out a girlfriend of mine is pregnant and another must have surgery. Floetry is coming to town the day after my birthday which is great, but Jerry and Spoken both want to throw me a birthday party. I don’t do birthday parties. Spoken wants to make sure I have birthday cake but with the VAST number of birthdays before mine I really really don’t want cake by the time my birthday comes around.
Any way – I guess I ought to get to the story. Sunday morning, Jerry woke up feeling rather Bob Villa-ish, now those of you who were reading at the time of the washing machine know, while we want Jerry to become more do it yourself capable, right now we try to keep him focused on smaller projects until he gets his bearings and we get the savings to be able to hire a professional should something go terribly wrong.
You see Jerry has a very Cliff Huxtable thing going on – as a matter of fact I’m going sweater shopping this weekend. For those of you who missed the ten years of television that included Cliff trying to fix any number of minor household mishaps much to the amusement of wife Claire, come to my house for reruns. And by the way per my girlfriend I am playing the Claire roll perfectly.
Anyway back to the fix it project.
We have had a leaky sink for at least a week. Joe, my friend who - ahem – “helped” fix the washer last time said we needed a new faucet. I said we just need to replace the washer in the faucet, as did my girlfriend and my grandmother – remember this part – three women said a various stages in the last seven days it just needs a washer. Jerry wakes up on Sunday morning not feeling going to church, but going to the temple of Home Depot. Now first I was annoyed by this because I can get him to wake up for anything but church, and that would be fine if he would just say – “Hey, I don’t wanna go,” or “I don’t like the church,” or “I was just playing the roll to get you to date me, but I’m just not down..”   anything, anything at all but “Baby, I really want to go to church with you and Cammy,” then magically forget on Sunday morning. Tis one of my pet peeves. Anyway. I brush off my annoyance and say, “that’s fine honey – what ever you need to do.” Because I really do want him to be more comfortable with home improvement and fixing and building, cause I really want to do the home improvements in our home ourselves. So I walk into the bathroom to find him under the sink.
Huh? Why are you under the sink?
“I think the problem is this pipe right here,”
you think the pipe under the sink is the problem with the leak from the faucet mouth?
“yeah – I’m just gonna take this pipe off and replace it and everything should be okay,”
But baby I think you just need to change the washer out.
“nah – its this pipe, I’m gonna go to home depot – I’ll be right back okay.”
Be Claire, be Claire – Okay baby,
So he takes off this pipe and takes it to home depot and forgets his wallet, comes home goes back and comes home with the wrong pipe, brings a toilet pipe – it doesn’t fit, he goes back and comes home with the right pipe. Mind you during this time – my girlfriend is asleep on my couch – its noon-ish and I’m trying to clean house – and Cammy has turned into Destructa the toddler from hell. First - it is the most annoying thing in the world for me to have to clean around someone asleep during the prime parts of the day. If I had a guest room – it wouldn’t bother me in the least that she was asleep in there but she’s sleepin on my couch man, in the middle of the room I have to clean, I’ve tried sending her to Cammy’s room but she never quite makes it. Cammy – she has decided that the toilet is a water park and she’s got free passes. She is running around tossing in various toys, not really interested in breakfast, not really interested in helping mommy clean her room, (sign of things to come) She’s gotten into hair grease, lemon head candy, the oatmeal as a facial, undoing the bookshelf I just put back, ect. I am frustrated. Then Hubby comes home – with the pipe, not the washers cause I couldn’t possibly be right here. And puts the new pipe on and starts the water back up- by this time girlfriend has gotten the hint and was cleaning the kitchen. However now, the faucet is still leaking as is the shut off valve under the sink where the pipe was connected.
So turn it back off and reattach it honey.
“I think I broke the valve.”
Why do you think you broke the valve?
“Cause now the pipe is leaking.”
You couldn’t have just put it on wrong?
“nope I think I broke the valve.”
Can you turn off the water, and just try and reattach it?
“I can’t get the water off.”
“It won’t go off,”
then go downstairs and turn off all the water to the house.
“I don’t know where that is.”
You don’t know where the hot water heater is?
You don’t know how to turn off the water?
“no can you do it?”
Excuse? You are working on plumbing- you know what never mind. I’ll be back.
Coming back after attempting to shut of only the hot water, that didn’t work, just shut off all the water, Jerry.
“Okay. So can you call your father.?”
Sure thing honey. Hey dad we got water shooting out of lots of incorrect holes and Jerry’s needing a little help. Okay dad, see you in a bit.
Jerry then calls Joe, who’s like “you need to put a whole new valve on – and you’ll need a blow torch for that.”
No Jerry you cannot go rent a blow torch from home depot.
So we sit around with no water for a few hours until my dad gets there, and they go over what Jerry has done and is trying to do, and come out and say,
“Oh, we just need a washer.”
(insert blank face here)…………
Yeah exactly.
And on the back side my girlfriend was giving me a headache because she has no idea how to just sit back and let a man be a man.
She’s like – “Can’t we just tell him it needs a washer?”
We did already. He’s got to go through the motions.
“But it just needs a washer.”
Not a word.
Not one.
Rinse and repeat, a zillion times.
This is why she’s single and will probably be single for a little while. While you think this is harsh of me – she said so her self. And I quote.
“I’m never gonna get married if I have to be like you Quita. I can kill my own bugs, change my own oil, fix my own sink, what do I need a man for.” I’ll let the squeaking you overhear tonight answer that question.
But really, it seems strange to me that the idea of just letting your mate be your mate was too much for her to handle. You mean let your man learn on his own and not push him to the side when he’s trying to learn, cause you may already know the answer. Well maybe on occasion its easier and cheaper to try and tell him, but you can’t ask for a man and then get mad when he flexes him man muscles, grunts and shows you exactly where he stores the testosterone . I think its kinds cute. My biggest concern with this bout of Mr. Fix it was, if he had broken the main valve and tried to fix it with a blow torch- we can’t afford the thousand dollar deductible that the home insurance would have charged to replace our home.
In the end though he and my dad fixed the leak with a washer, then we made burgers and fries, and he got to be male over the grill with his friends and our big ass male dog. Funny how six ovaries are no where near as believable as two testicles.

I’m going to go bathe in estrogen now. Excuse me.

P.S my midterm went average, I think my teacher has it in for me – too many people have noticed for that not to be the case, I can’t just chalk this up to he’s just trying to bring out the best in me.. anyway I’ll keep plugging away at it.


Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

HOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT ONE DARN MINUTE!!! In my defense, the hose I replaced NEEDED to be replaced, and while Raquita's father and I DID replace the washers in the faucet handle (its a compression handle and has three various sizes of washers) that wasnt the problem. The reason why the faucet was leaking and would turn off all the way was because the washer in the Hot Water shutoff valve under the sink had deteriorated to the point that little bits of it had gone up the hose and gotten lodged in the faucet handle. Thats also why I couldn't get the hot water shutoff vavle to completely close after I replaced the hose...replacing the hose jostled the fragments and bits of the original washer. So what we had to do was CLEAN OUT THE FAUCET HANDLE MECHANISM...there was a crapload of little rubber bits in there and all that had to be flushed out, the bits in the hose had to be flushed out, and the bits in the actual spiggot of the faucet had to be flushed out. Now it is true that my Baby did say we needed a new washer in the faucet, but that wasnt entirely true. Her father just told her we replaced the washer without getting into the specifics of what we had to do.

And I was TOTALLY THE MAN THIS WEEKEND. I swear, when the water started pouring from that damn faucet I couldnt shut off, I could HEAR the Home Improvement themesong, grunts and all. And I totally appreciate my lovely, long-suffering wife letting me be the man and flood the bathroom and make mistakes as Im trying to learn and not just barge in and start screaming. And then I got to COOK MEAT ON MY GRILL with my Friends and my BIG ASS MALE DOG...I had a MANS sunday...and I dont get those very often...I dont often flex the testosterone so I was grateful to be able to do it and not be taken down by all the women in the house.

I think I might try to install a light in Cammy's closet next...


10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

YEAH!! Let that man be a man!! Stop hating on Benticore!

Random Supporter #1

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats right! You cant hold a man down for long! LONG LIVE THE PENIS!!

Curious Bystander #3

10:06 AM  
Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

See? I got love and support! No longer shall I be ground down by the machinations of Estrogen-High females that seek to...uh...grind me down!

10:07 AM  
Blogger Queue said...

too cute - I'm gonna kiss and hug your high testosterone having butt all day and keep you too occupied for sinks and the like, I think that will work better for everyone.

10:21 AM  
Blogger CousinSarah said... god, it is a male affliction. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES MY MAN HAS TAKEN APART, RESOLD, REBUILT, AND CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT HIS CAR STEREO SYSTEM? Since we live somewhere where we have maintenance men, I am safe from the home fix its. But my baby's car looks like the mad wire scientist got in there, got confused and evaoprated in thin air. Now, I luckily have my own car, which by no means is the fancy ride he has...but all my pieces are where they are supposed to be. :) They cant help it, and when they mess it up, they have REASONS for why what they did was still necessary. Quita, if I ever get back there...we can go to the Spa and leave the testosterone grunters to thier own devices...that way, we still have to deal with the end results, but are not inflicted by the pain of watching it. LOLOLOLOL. (You know you're my boy benticore--but I gotta bond with my sister on this one!)

3:38 PM  
Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

In a scientific study I read somewhere, they found that Estrogen increases the likelihood of traitorous statements to be uttered from a person of normal even temperment and attitude by a whopping 74.5%! What you just said, CousinSarah, is sedition! Side with the woman! PAH! Where are my testosterone tinkerers, long sufferers of the feminine ego whip brandished so gleefully by our "Better" halves? RISE UP, GENTLEMEN FOR YOUR FREEDOMS ARE IN PERIL!!

Benticore (The Revolutionary)

3:55 PM  
Blogger CousinSarah said...

I read a scientific theory that says men think about sex consciously or subconsciously every 30 seconds or something. So, I THEN HAVE A THEORY, that if they gain an erection even half of those times, blood that causes the erection comes from the brain depriving it of oxygen causing brain damage. So if you consider how much brain damage is done by the time men are of marrying age--and there fore fixing's no wonder. :) But we are used to it by then, cause we already knew you were damaged before we decided to keep you. AND WE STILL LOVE YA'LL ANYWAY. Right Queue? :)

And you know me, I am always ready for the revolution! :)


6:58 PM  
Blogger Queue said...

I'm feeling you Sarah cause I swear his brain was in relativly working order when we started dating and you know you don't pay attention to the wear and tear untill strage stuff starts happeneing and that didn't happen until I said "I Do" then BAM - it just broke, kinda like the washer... But I do LOVE HIM SO!!! Sarah I'll make the reservations for the spa cause girl if you man is worse than J we're gonna need a sea weed wrap and a detox, a hot rock massage and a mani pedi set. J's never tried to fix (read - break) the car stero so I'm cool on that one, he's not quite ready to take the dash off the car yet. Small projects think small project honey!!.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Aeshema the Fury said...

Whats that? You want me to install a new Radio!! I'll do it on saturday after I pack...I can even install a kit that will fit our old stereo in the new truck...I can take off the dash no problem. It'll be like an hour job...I'll do it before dog training, even...Good idea, Hon!


3:22 PM  
Blogger Queue said...

Somebody hide the tools please...

11:48 PM  

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