Tuesday, October 10, 2006

today is the begining

But is it still the beginning if today was really two days ago?
I’m telling you – its been a whole year in my head not just a week or so since my last post- real post. Things are swirling like a typhoon around us, and it is just a matter of will that there is relative calm in our home, despite all the things that are going on. In a breath of good things though – the more I pray and meditate about our situation - the more clear I become about what exactly is expected of me. Not by my husband or anybody else mind you, but what I expect and what I believe God expects of me.
The difference between who you want to be, who you need to be and who you are sometimes can feel so vast. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see who I want to be and she seems so far away. Who I need to be isn’t too far from who I want to be, and who I am is just going to have to change. Today I am making the changes necessary to become who I need to be.
I’ll let you know how that goes.
In the mean time I am hunting up a school for Cammy. It is the number one item on my to do list. I’ve made an appointment to visit with the school that is currently top on my list. A friend of mine used to work there and had nothing but wonderful things to say about it. They kids have a great student teacher ratio and special needs kids, although I believe all children are special needs, but children with disabilities and children with out are kept in inclusive care. I would love for Cammy to learn by more than just saying that all people are the special, and learn how to respect all people, and build compassion and all of the other lessons we believe its time for her to learn.

I’ve had to make MORE lasagna. It was Chris’ birthday and alas – he must have lasagna.
Alas so I made it.
I went to the Shaw Art fair this weekend, and spent some time with my sister like two or three times. Which is sadly unusual. Her wedding is upcoming, so I bet I’ll see even more of her lately. I like hanging out with her, and I hate that it is simply a matter of us living on opposite sides of the city that keeps us from hanging out. You know when she was moving across the country I just knew because she stayed I would be able to see her more often, but that is not the case. I spend evenings with cousins who are not really, and wish I could have the Ronata I want, in addition to the one I have.
I miss having a stereo in my house.
That was a random thought.
I was just thinking how nice it would be to go home and turn up the stereo and dance with my husband and daughter, and cook together and chill. But that cannot happen. Receiver is totally busted.
And I’d like a new CD player.
I would like a frozen apple martini, some sushi, and a chocolate fondue dessert from melting pot.
I’m not feeling cute. Not feeling attractive in the least. Started walking at work on my breaks and lunch. That makes me feel a bit less like a blob.
I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like how
Did I say I was cutting all fast food out of my diet, all soda – except for my single bi-weekly cheat of a IBC cream soda. Gonna try and trim all the high fructose corn syrup – heard you can find soda made out of actual cane sugar – actually I don’ think that will be productive so I’m not gonna Google it yet.
I need to shed 100 lbs in eight months. Without surgery. I think I need to start running. I hate running. Maybe I’ll get that bike seat. I really hate running. Like people hate skin heads and racists THAT is how I hate running. I love playing sports. I need a basket ball league or volleyball or something. I know what you are thinking. And no, I don’t mind running in the context of a sport but I hate running like to get from point a to b. Track is not a sport – it’s a getaway practice. Its high end walking.
(I know its really a sport all you track runners out there – I don’t want to hear it today. I was even on the track team, Shot-put. That’s right NO RUNNING)
Anyway I figure I gotta have a goal people. Any ideas where I can get some decent menu ideas?
My husband brought me some sushi today.
I love him.
I got a zillion things to do to get ready for my sisters wedding, too bad I can’t lose that hundred pounds by Nov 5th.
I’d even cheat and take a pill if I thought it would work.
Lipo, if I had the money I’d do it. But that’s surgery isn’t it, maybe I’d bend a little on that surgery thing.
Anyway – its kind of a bad day- or the last few have been less than stellar for me.
We’ll see what tomorrow brings .

Maybe I’ll bake. But that isn’t gonna help the weight thing is it?



Blogger 1girl2boys said...

I so know how you feel. I wish there was some magic pill out there that would fix my body. It's so hard to lose weight. It's so easy on paper, but so much harder when the food is right in front of you. And exercise, blah! I literally have to drag myself to the gym. My only motivation really is that I get to watch Y&R while I'm working out.

Well, good luck to you.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Copasetic Soul said...

wish there was a some way i could lose this gut overnight but...

as far as the baking goes, you make the cookies and i will be more than happy to eat them.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Hey, Queue. Let me tell you, don't wait until your body can't take it. I'm 36, relatively young, except that I've only exercised in spurts, nothing sustained. Now working out is agony on my joints and I have no stamina, I feel like I'm dying. Don't wait, because it only gets harder to start.

I love reading your blog. Your posts are heartfelt. I'm sending good vibes to you and Benticore.

10:06 PM  
Blogger Jaelithe said...

100 lbs in eight months? That is a serious goal, woman! Just please be careful and don't sacrifice your health for a quick fix. You are a beautiful woman, not in any way resembling a blob (it's true people-- I have seen her in person), and I am sure your husband agrees with me.

It sounds like you have a ton of crazy stuff going on. I hope everything gets easier for you soon.

9:42 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home