Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Saddness..Untill I hold her...

Twenty three and a half hours.


23 ½

20 + 3 + .5 =1410 minutes

1410 minutes

84,600 seconds.

That’s how long I was in labor. And I remember most of it. And looking back it doesn’t seem as bad as it felt at the time, but I’m sure it was just as painful as my mind would like me to believe. After she came I remember thinking – wow that didn’t take so long, then I looked at the clock and came back to reality.
Looking back on the ten months of pregnancy (yes men folk, 40 weeks is ten months – drop the nine month crap – it pisses pregnant women off.) I remember think how easily I would die for this little girl. How I would move minds, and mountains, and anything necessary to make her world easier, brighter, clearer, give her anything.
I am remembering this because I read a blog of a fellow mom group, and they were all over the place – talking about Disney movies and how the mom always gets killed –that’s another post, and picking Christmas gifts and making kids appreciate thanksgiving and amidst all of these posts there was one that stopped my mouse, and made my heart stop. Kelly – See DotMom link to the right – was recounting how recently her son’s life was threatened at school, and the nonchalant was the school reacted to it. A young boy in front of teacher and a principle calmly stated how he hated her son and was going to kill him. Now in today’s age of Columbine, 9/11 and the moment London becomes New York, or San Francisco becomes an embassy and the color coded warnings don’t work, they want her to just brush it off with no assurance of what they are doing to make sure her son is safe?


These are the exact reasons why home schooling doesn’t seem so bad, I mean I’m not the smartest cookie in the bag but I only gotta be smarter than the stuff I’m teaching my kid right? So I think it’d be a safe bet that I could handle it, at least until ninth grade algebra. I could swing geometry but not calculus. But really I don’t want to send my daughter in to social oblivion, I don’t want to keep her beauty and radiance from the rest of the world. (yeah – that’s the ticket) I don’t want to screw it up and not have the school system, that we will choose to blame, not really… sorta, but no matter what I chose I am so afraid for my child. And I don’t know what to choose. School system will protect the kid threatening Kellys son but can’t make any guarantees to Kelly about her son’s safety – and what would I do? Pull Cammy from the school. Hire a body guard to hang low key around the school. Get a restraining order and make the school figure out how to teach the bad kid. What do you choose, and will it ever be my choice?

I pray daily that my child stay as happy as she was the last time I laid eyes on her, that her laugh stays easy and warm . That I can protect her from the bad things, the really bad things, and those that I can’t God handles for me. I pray that for all kids really, I wish it were different. Wish it were the dream we all dream of for our kids.

I don’t know what else I can say here and that makes me so sorry.

Kelly I am praying for your son and your family.

Swords clash
Vibrate violently
in mommys hands
She was never a swordsmen
but she learned quickly
quick strokes
block and attack
push them away
and protect the dreams of her innocent
Steel never too heavy
not when I hold her
not when I hold her


Blogger CousinSarah said...

protect the dreams of her innocent

Girl i think this is every mom's worst fear. I fear the day J comes home and asks me what "N****R" means cause someone called him that. Mine took a little corn cob stick thing to school..the kind with the little pointy metal end that looks like a G I Joe sword to school and was pretending it was a sword.

That is the maddest I have ever been with him. Even tho' I know he was only playing and he wasnt thinking he brought a "knife" to school--but he is starting to have to learn to balance reality with play. I immediatly went to him needing to be nice, treat other people the same way he wants to be treated. And at the same time you also worry that will contribute to more than one broken heart.

The point is--you just worry SO much. You would lay down your life in a heartbeat to keep them safe...always. He is without a doubt the most amazing thing I have ever seen or done.

3:28 PM  

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