Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Revelation via Bank Statements and Blogs

Truth of the matter is I get a lot of my blogging ideas from reading other blogs and having more to say about it than the comment section will allow. Today I was reading about a fellow bloggers money issues. She was left with a choice to have some cash or go see an opera and she chose the opera (she lives in New York) and roughly four or five days later at $7.32 in her checking account, she was feeling the pinch and took a change jar to a Coinstar to rummage up some grocery money. $32.31 later she was shopping like a college student – who like veggies.
I was struck by –first the ability to budget to $7.32 and not end up with over draft charges WAY up the wazoo, and two to get to 7.32 and be like - cool – let me grab my change jar and get my grocery on. Maybe it’s the single no kids aspect that makes that possible.
I remember my happiest single time. I was 22, I was dating, almost serial dating, and was fairly serious about this lawyer/councilor I was seeing. He helped me find a apartment in my current dwelling area of South City, I was working at the job I hate but I was using my check to perform poetry all over the country. I was traveling, a lot. I was fit, going to the gym four days a week, eating giant bowls of fruit for dinner. I’d eat a whole watermelon for dinner once a week a least all summer. Pasta three four days a week, a little pesto sauce some clams and a quarter pound of shrimp and I was happy. Hot wings and a small Imo’s pizza. Hamburger helper made with ground turkey and a can of peas. Two sushi rolls and a Fanta orange soda. I IBC and A kick ass turkey burger and sweet potato fries. It was easier to clean up after my self, I never miss placed things. Everything was simpler. I never budgeted beyond my monthly bills, and I was too happy with my life. Not happy-full like I am now, but happy-free. Does that make sense?
Now I am learning to merge two lives, two thought processes, two everything –except furniture thankfully – and it is times like this that I have to remember I am still a newlywed. I am quickly starting to see what changes when you get married. Because no matter what anybody says living together is different than being married.
Point in case.. Finances. J and I have big GIANT hiccups when it comes to finances. Most of them are things that happen beyond our control – but they tend to happen over and over again. So something in our control has to be able to change- right? But when you are married you gotta find those things together. Have to agree or be willing to let the other person take control or be willing to take the lead.

We don’t do that very well it seems.
So maybe I need to take control.

I don't want to over do it, and anybody who knows me will tell you - when I take control, watch out. But neither of us is wanting to force the other into our world. But here we are married and in each others world, so for real. I find that I have been way more old fashioned than I expected from myself. I am not the future forward woman I thought I was. At least in marriage. Might as well find myself a ankle long skirt and avert my eyes when spoken to. I think I expected J to take a more forward approach to our life. Why? I DON’T KNOW! (read all kinds of sarcasm into that) That surely wasn’t the example I took for Cliff and Claire Huxtable let alone from my parents marriage. If I knew why I thought that maybe we could work on all kinds of racism and sexisms and any other ism you can think of.
But I think I have decided that What I have to do to improve our situation is regress a lil bit back to free-happy Raquita. When I’m happy everybody in my house does better and I do better. Full-happy is so necessary on a soul level but I think free-happy is part of the equation too. I don’t think, anymore, that it has to be an either/or situation. I was so active before in the things that made me happy, and now I think I’ve tried to hard to be so inclusive that I’ve lost too much. He was happy with me then- probably more so – since I was so much more alive. So this is my decree. I need to find a more well rounded happy than I have settled into. Now once I figure out how – I’ll let you know – but I think I’ll start with some well earned shoe shopping. And a fun time with my family. And I think we’ll have fruit for dinner.

P.s The blog is gonna undergo some new changes in the near future... be on the look out.


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