sorry for them

Quita 3 – Anubis 2

I think I’m winning, we came to a conclusion that I am the pack leader and he really acted totally different after I kicked him out of my bed. Point Quita. He loves that stinky dog food and will do anything to get it – including go in the cage that he hates, -point Quita. I need to walk him more, but he’s doing really well in the back yard. But he got out and jumped on my jeans – leaving giant muddy dog paws on my thighs (point Anubis)  

My co- workers have just pointed out how much their marriages have changed over their years and said they would be glad to get their respective husbands out of the country for ten days. I’ve never felt that way about Jerry – not in all the time we dated and certainly not since we’ve been married (I’ll chalk a lil of that up to newlywed bliss) but I remember feeling that way about someone I cared about – How I couldn’t wait for him to go back where he came from so I could get back to my life. The utter sense of relief when the door closed behind him. I would have a drink and put my world back in order – move books back, put moved items in their homes. And never thought anything about it. Took me years later before I began to think that maybe that wasn’t the kind of love I wanted forever – the kind that looked for a break, rather than longed for the break to be over.   I remember that was one of the things that kept me from going back to that relationship. And it was a big thing for me to admit that. Funny cause Jerry was part of that revelation.  Jerry has always represented the possibility to me, of a greater love. Even in our everyday I know we have our regular days. Days when we roll though and barely notice the other. We’ve structured our life and our love so tightly that it is just now that he is gone for a moment that I realize, its not the dishes, or the wake up calls, or the daddy time with Cammy, or any of the things he does, as a matter of fact – if I was more honest – this time has proven to me how much better I am – for myself when I handle more of the things he has taken over in our lives, much to my dismay and chagrin. Jerry is all the best parts of me, he really does complete me in a way I wasn’t aware when I was single that I wanted or needed.
I remember working so hard when I lived alone to understand who I was, why I was in the place I was in. why my love had failed. How I contributed to that. What my problems were – and most importantly how to like myself. Love me beyond what I could do. If I never wrote another poem, took another photo, painted another picture, I could look in the mirror and love who was looking back. And now I am learning to love who I see through J’s eyes. That is a whole different ball game for me, and totally besides the point.
I guess I was just sad for them, and I pray I feel this way about trips that Jerry takes when he’s fifty. I pray the new never quite wears off, I hope we remember everyday we become a different person than we were yesterday and that we fall in love with that everyday.