Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Car Dilemmas, Kal-el, dogma and staying young and foolish

Cars, Gas and the women who love them...

Jerry and I live in one car. Our little three person family has been truly TRULY blessed that we can function this way – and however annoying it is we are able to survive in one car. We have toyed with the idea of buying a second car- but several things have slowed down this idea. The extra car note, gas is THREE dollars a gallon here, Insurance isn’t cheap and gas is $3 a gallon, and then there is the price of gas. Because the car we want isn’t exactly gas friendly. We are SUV people. Did I mention Gas Prices SUCK? Sick of making the space work in a car made for teenagers – I want what all Americans want – I want too much. See inset picture of said machine that causes drool. But I’m saddened that I know automakers can give me what I want with relative ease. They can make a big car that gets 40-50 miles a gallon – I don’t need it to be a speed machine I just want to be able to do sixty five to seventy and not have to stop for gas as soon as I get off the highway, especially at SAY IT WITH ME PEOPLE -- 3 DOLLARS A GALLON. I’d rather that they go with some alternate fuel but that’s like wishing for a winning lotto ticket and not buying one. And because the big boy SUV’s only average 9-19 MPG I won’t be buying one anytime soon. If Nissan knew what was good for it – it would put out the Murano (see gain inset of drrol producing machine ) as a hybrid at the same time it kicks off the Altima Hybrid – they are the same car – the Murano was built on the Altima base so just do’em both and give me mine –fully loaded -so I can make my hubby happy and be responsible to the environment, so my kid will see mommy doesn’t just complain about the state of things – she does her part too. And since both are built in the US, I don’t have to feel bad about buying a foreign car. Until I can buy a car that fills that need I don’t think that I will. And that sucks fat rocks.

You'z not gonna win daddy of the year...
Kal-el, Nick cage named his son – for all constructive purposes after an alien super hero. Named the boy SUPERMAN, for cripes sake. Gave the boy issues for LIFE. He’ll never be able to wear a button down shirt cause bullies will forever be pulling open his shirt to see if the S is there. Nick, your money will not be able to buy your son friends who will not ride him on this. I’m sorry kids can be mean little buggers. Nick Cage – you are a mean little man.

Dogma and other crap - I'm just venting here
I just read a very nifty sentiment from Steve Jobs, dude who started apple, AND PIXAR! (sweet!) He was talking about connecting the dots, loving what you do, and death. Pre-face – he gave a speech at a college graduation click here to read the whole thing – and he really got me to thinking.
Funny how I know exactly what I want to do – but I can’t seem to get there. I look at my self in the mirror and know the woman I want to be- know I can do what it will take to be that woman – but I don’t do it, and I don’t know why. I am less prone to this since I had Cammy but I am still not where I want to be, and I am officially not okay with that.

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be
right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I
have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the
last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And
whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to
change something. --Steve Jobs

So I know I need to change a lot of things. In the very early morning, you ever know God is calling you but you roll over –afraid of what ever he is calling you to or for? Hear that call as crisp as your moms voice calling you for school and roll over and pull the covers up the same way you did then. I’ve been hearing Jonathan Kozol speak (see hubbys blog for links and excerpts and check NPR he was on this morning.) and people discuss his views most of which I agree with, and feel my place is in the school system, teaching and working on the segergation problems in the St.Louis school system. But how do you do that?
Someone told me I was very hard on myself recently, and I can see that – but what do you do when you aren’t living up to your own expectations? When you are tired of saying – this isn’t so bad.. what if it is so bad? What when you don’t feel worthy of the blessings you have? When you know you could be better for the people you love and who love you? What do you do? How do you change the path you’ve set? Part of me wants to say – my focus is now making sure Cammy doesn’t make these mistakes. That not only to we teach her to dream any dream but we teach her to have the drive to achieve them, but a bigger part of me wants to say learn this, Cammy, by watching mommy do this, achieve this goal.

But I don’t know how. Don’t know if I believe I can – for real – for real. Like deep down in the inside, like I can say it out loud but I’m afraid of failure again. My husband will read this and want to discuss this as if there is anything left to say. As if he can convince the parts of me I can’t convince that I can do this. Friends will find all the right things to say, they will come from every angle – Sarah will be compassionate, Tito will be hard ass bourgeoisie sarcastic , Joe will nod and hug me, CoPo will be cool and sarcastic and I will love them all for their words and will hold on to them (so tell me anyway) as I take this step forward, today. I wish this were easier for me – but nothing worth having or doing…. Right?

Anyway Going back to work. Gonna try and write and shake this and move forward….



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